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Not feeling like you are is a feeling that almost everyone experiences at some point in their lives. Sometimes the feeling is fleeting; sometimes it can last days or even months. Because of this, everyday life can feel like a dream world where you move around and perhaps not feel like you are in full control, as if you are watching yourself live your life instead of actually living it. So what causes this feeling? Should you be worried? And, most importantly, how do you make it go away so you can regain control of your identity? Read on to understand why you may have this feeling and how to get over it.
- Major life changes, stress, mental health conditions, and not living in alignment with your core can leave you feeling not like yourself.
- You can get back to feeling more like yourself by participating in reconnecting activities or doing grounding techniques.
- These feelings are common and will probably go away with time, but if they persist, consider seeking support from a therapist or medication.
life is changing New job, new child, moving to a new place… These are just a few examples of the kinds of life changes that can affect your sense of identity. New daily routines, social circles, and unfamiliar surroundings can make you feel like you’re living the life of a stranger. It may take days or even weeks to feel “normal” again, but you may start to feel more like yourself as you adjust to your new life.
- These life changes can be neutral or even positive, but that doesn’t mean they won’t take you by surprise for a while as you adjust to a new routine or environment. You may feel confused, alone and exhausted, and you may even experience some existential insecurity now that your normal life has not been touched.
Loss Whether grieving the death of a loved one or going through a difficult breakup, grief can change our behavior in surprising and unexpected ways. You may feel like a ghost for a while, not being fully present in your life. Or you may feel angry that the loss occurred or feel guilty, as if you could have prevented it.[1]
As you begin to adjust to this big change in your life, you will slowly get back in touch with yourself.- Symptoms of grief can include loss of interest in things you once enjoyed, fatigue, irritability, depression, or just feeling numb and “dizzy.”
hormones Hormonal imbalances can make you feel bad, like you are not who you normally are. Our hormone levels rise and fall naturally throughout life, for example with puberty, menopause or pregnancy. But hormonal imbalances can also be caused by stress, certain medications, tumors, autoimmune diseases, and other causes.[2]
- Hormone imbalances that accompany certain life stages or are caused by certain medications may be temporary and/or easily remedied, although chronic imbalances caused by a medical condition may be more difficult to manage.
new connections Spending a lot of time with someone new can affect how you behave with that person, especially if they are a romantic partner. If you feel like you’re not close to your new partner, consider whether you’ve changed your behavior in any way out of fear that they won’t like the “real you.”[3]
- Not being alone with your partner doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like the real you, but it could mean you’re uncomfortable relaxing with them. Over time, you’ll become more comfortable being alone with them, but they also may not be compatible.
Stress Excessive stress can seriously affect your physical and mental health. You may think or behave in ways you normally would not; For example, the pressure of a demanding job can make you irritable or negatively affect your sleeping and eating patterns. Too many distractions can make you “chill” during your free time and feel like a zombie.
- It is quite possible that a major life change could create stress as you try to adjust to a new routine.
identity conflict Sometimes you start to lose your sense of self when you enter an environment that conflicts with the needs of your core self. This environment can be short-term like a wild party when you’re an introvert who just wants to read national literature, or it can be serious and long-term like a career field that doesn’t fulfill you.[4]
- Giving in to peer pressure or societal expectations can reinforce this feeling, as pressure from others can sometimes lead you to act in ways that you normally would not and that contradict your sense of identity.
- Lack of alone time to think can also be responsible for you feeling out of touch with yourself (whether you’re an introverted book lover or an extroverted party lover).
Possible mental health conditions Sometimes the reason you don’t feel like yourself has to do with a mental health condition such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, derealization-depersonalization disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Feeling disconnected from oneself is a common symptom of all of these conditions.
- If you think your behavior may be due to a mental health condition, consider seeing a licensed therapist for professional advice. They can help you reach an accurate diagnosis and help you with your next steps.[5]
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Get grounded. Grounding can calm you down and help you become more aware of your surroundings and yourself, as well as minimize any sense of detachment from your life or identity. Grounding techniques like focused breathing or meditation can help you focus on the present moment.
Directed Breathing: Inhale and exhale slowly, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Place your hands on your stomach and watch them move up and down as you breathe. Do this until you start to feel more relaxed.[6]
Sensory Grounding: Look around you. Identify 5 things you can see; 4 things you can touch; 3 things you can listen to; 2 things you can smell; and 1 thing you can try.[7]
This exercise will better connect you with your environment and keep you grounded in the present moment.
Look for reconnection activities. Spending uninterrupted time on a new hobby or activity can help you feel more like yourself. If painting brings you joy, try making time in your day to pick up a brush. If you love to read, spend an afternoon at the library catching up on a book from your reading list.
- Being around people who make us feel like ourselves can also make us feel…well, more like ourselves. Try to find time to talk or spend time with a friend or family member who you feel knows you well.[8]
- Studies show that music has a huge effect on our sense of identity—specifically, the music we loved as teenagers. Taking a nostalgic trip back to your high school years by listening to the music you loved back then can help you feel more connected to who you are.[9]
self reflection Being more intentional can help you feel more like yourself again. Many times, simply being more intentional about what you do and want in life can lessen the feeling of not being who you are. Pull out your journal or take a long walk and think about where you are in life: what does your ideal life look like? How does that fit in with the life you lead now?[10]
- Evaluate your work, social life, and romantic relationships. Do they comply?
- Stay away from any toxic people in your life, and limit your use of social media while you’re at it. This can help you think about your personal needs and wants without disturbing others.[11]
Practice self care. Spend time on self-care every day. Focusing on yourself and your needs can boost your confidence, relieve stress, and make you feel more in touch with yourself and your body.[12]
- Self-care isn’t just about bubble baths and fancy truffles (although you can include that): self-care means being good for mind, body, and soul by making time for regular exercise, eating nutritious food, getting sleep enough, and de-stressing activities such as meditation or yoga.
Focus on what you can control. Sometimes you feel less like yourself as a result of feeling powerless over anything. Major life upheavals, even “positive” changes, can leave you feeling helpless and untethered. To feel more like yourself, try to let go of the need to control things that are simply beyond your control; instead, focus on what you can control and try to develop new, reliable routines to accommodate and bring more stability to your life.[13]
- The things you can control may seem small at first: planning meals for the week, taking daily walks, stopping at a coffee shop on the way to work each morning. But over time, living with intention can help you feel more in control of your life and yourself.
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Source: HIS Education