IF you are ever, God forbid, diagnosed with cancer, all you really want to know is whether you’re going to survive.
I can’t imagine that you would be even remotely interested to hear that it is a common type of cancer, nor would you be particularly pleased if a doctor stood up and said, “Congratulations. You’re the first person to nail it.”
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The increase in bowel cancer is alarming. The number of cases increased by ten percent between 2019 and 2021, according to NHS figuresCredit: Getty
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Diet. It must be. The internet agrees, of course, saying that if you eat red meat, you’ll surely die in screaming agony by next TuesdayCredit: Getty
But for some extraordinary reason, there is actually a top 40 chart for cancer.
So let’s go to Led Zep and now on to Smashie and Nicey for an update.
“Breast cancer is still in first place, followed by prostate cancer. But bowel cancer is closing the gap fast and this week moved up to No. 3, overtaking lung cancer which, since smoking became less popular, is now on the wane.”
The increase in bowel cancer is alarming. The number of cases has increased by ten per cent between 2019 and 2021, according to NHS figures. And not since Brian Ferry’s Jealous Guy have we seen anything move up the charts so quickly.
READ MORE FROM JEREMY CLARKSON
Globally, it is now the second leading cause of cancer death. So what’s going on? According to experts, no one knows for sure what causes the intestines to become cancerous. While the know-it-all internet says it’s a combination of alcohol, global warming, the military-industrial complex and Mrs Thatcher.
Tofu and squeezed vegetables
As usual, it’s up to me to come up with an explanation. So here it is.
Bowel cancer has always been a sort of Gallagher and Lyle of the cancer charts. Ultravox, if you will. So what has changed in recent years to make it a true contender for the top spot?
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Get yourself tested for bowel cancer Credit: Alamy
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Not since Brian Ferry’s Jealous Guy have we seen anything shoot up the charts as quickly as bowel cancerCredit: Redferns
Diet. It must be. Of course, the internet agrees with this, saying that if you eat red meat, you will surely die in agony and screaming by next Tuesday.
But people have been eating red meat since before the invention of fire, so that seems unlikely.
What people didn’t eat until recently were tofu and pressed vegetables and herbs. So maybe that is the reason for the increase in the number of cases.
I wish it were, but realistically, it has to be processed food. I don’t want to sound like someone you bump into in line at the post office, but we really do put an awful lot of crap in our mouths these days.
And half the time, we don’t even know it. A sausage roll and a fizzy drink followed by a couple of biscuits might not sound so bad, but often these things contain additives that most of us can’t even pronounce.
And it’s usually the cheaper options that are more harmful.
That’s my advice. Eat fresh things whenever you can.
And if, after you’ve done number two, you notice some redness in your stool, don’t think it’s because you had some beets last night.
Check yourself.
Elizabeth is the pinnacle of the Crown
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If 6ft 3in Elizabeth Debicki, pictured as Diana, is into something, I’m hereCredit: Daniel Escale/Netflix
In the old days, the Crown was historical and therefore very interesting.
But I doubt the new series will be just speculative chatter. And it won’t be interesting at all.
I will be careful though as I have a very strict policy.
If 6ft 3in Elizabeth Debicki, portrayed as Diana, is in something, I’m there.
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London isn’t as bad as Johannesburg or Paris yet, but if someone doesn’t get rid of that dangerously misguided mayor, it will be very soon Credit: PA
I’ve never been one of those country bums slagging around London.
I have always loved the place and, having traveled a lot over the past 30 years, I have always maintained that it is the best city in the world.
New York is exciting. Hanoi is great. So is Biarritz. Copenhagen would be a great place to live and work. And Barcelona knows how to party. But for all-round glitz, nowhere else comes close to London.
In recent months, however, I must say that it has been changing for the worse. And quickly. You can’t easily find your way around, there are a lot of empty shops and, worst of all, now the feeling is created that the streets are not very safe. It’s not as bad as Johannesburg or Paris yet, but if someone doesn’t get rid of that dangerously misguided mayor, it will be soon.
A hotel for me
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People are setting up chicken hotels in post-pandemic BritainCredit: Getty
In a pandemic – remember that? – many people have decided that they would really like to keep chickens.
So they built a house in the garden and bought a fence to protect Johnny Fox.
And then, after the fox broke through the fence and killed the chickens, they went out and bought more for fun.
Well that’s great. In the morning you went out with the children to collect eggs, and in the afternoon you watched Joe Wicks collect things and put them away again.
However, now the pandemic is over and you want to go on vacation.
So what do you do with the chickens when you’re gone?
It was tricky. But now people are setting up hotels for chickens. And then I charge you £56 a bloody week to house and feed your birds while you’re away.
Cultivation of sod. I will do that in the future.
Suella is so boring
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‘Dear Mr Rishi. You’re a kid and you poop and you stink’Credit: Getty
I TRIED to read Suella Braverman’s resignation letter, but I’m afraid I got bored halfway through and gave up.
Because it basically said, “Dear Mr. Rishi. You’re a kid and you poop and you stink.”
And then I read the reply of Mr. Rishi, who said, “So what? My dad is bigger than your dad.”
Which is actually amazing.
It all just sounded like a petty argument to me.
And it’s not like they’re even arguing about how the country is run.
Because as we learned on Wednesday in Rwanda, some human rights lawyers in Europe are still doing it.
Proceed as usual
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Huge crack in Grindavik, IcelandCredit: Reuters
THE last time a volcano belched in Iceland, half the world was caught with its pants down.
I was in Poland when the ash cloud started moving south, and to get home I had to drive to Prague, Czech Republic, and then fly to Paris, where I promised the girl at the airport rental car desk that I would definitely a not to drive your Renault Espace to England. And then I drove her Renault Espace to England. Where everyone had a similar story to tell.
You’d imagine, then, that if we got word that Iceland was once again girding its loins for another gigantic ejaculation, we’d all be lighting the doors on fire.
But no. There are several pictures on social media of cracked pavements in the town of Grindavik.
And my friend from Reykjavik sent me a video of a broken golf course – proof that God hates this stupid sport – and that’s it.
I find this lack of interest puzzling.
Because it’s not like the world has anything else to worry about right now.
Good advice
A LONDON couple who said the noise made by a young family living above them in a luxury block of flats was “torture” have been awarded compensation.
This is terrible.
Because I too have a flat in London and over the years have ignored a number of noise complaint letters from the man who lives in the flat below.
One said, “I know you’re a heavy gentleman, but could you please try to walk more lightly in your apartment.”
That went in the bin.
But now I know they could sue me for the noise, so I’ll have to be more careful.
It will be carpet slippers, diet sodas for dinner and nothing on the stereo louder than the Carpenters.
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education