Britney Spears Says She Feels ‘Sick’ Thinking of Conservatorship: ‘I Didn’t Deserve What My Family Did to Me’ (Exclusive)

Britney Spears reflects on the painful years she spent in custody and the ways a court order stripped her of her humanity.

In an excerpt from her long-awaited memoir The woman in me shared exclusively with PEOPLE in this week’s cover story, Spears, 41, writes that for more than a decade, she’s felt like she’s been dealt an unfair deal in life.

“Thirteen years have passed while I felt like a shadow of myself. Now I remember how my father and his associates had control over my body and my money for so long, and it makes me sick,” she writes. “Imagine how many male artists have gambled away all their money; how many had substance abuse or mental health problems. No one tried to take away their control over their bodies and money. I didn’t deserve what my family did to me.”

Britney Spears on the cover of PEOPLE.

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The “Hold Me Closer” singer was placed under surveillance in 2008 after a public breakdown. Her father, Jamie Spears, was removed as guardian of her estate in September 2021, and the guardianship was terminated two months later.

Spears’ time under her father’s control remains under scrutiny, as she claims it was a traumatic period, while Jamie claims he acted in his daughter’s best interest.

IN The woman in meSpears says that during that time she was “robbed” of her freedom and often found herself stuck between adulthood and adolescence, with conservatorships depriving her of ” [her] femininity” and make a “child” out of it.

“There was no way for me to act like an adult, because I wouldn’t be treated like an adult, so I would regress and act like a girl; but then my grown-up self would creep in – only my world wouldn’t let me be a grown-up,” she writes. “The woman in me was suppressed for a long time. They wanted me to be wild on stage, the way they told me, and to be a robot the rest of the time. I felt as if I had been deprived of those good secrets of life – those cardinal supposed sins of indulgence and adventure that make us human. They wanted to take away that uniqueness and keep everything as much as possible by heart. It was the death of my creativity as an artist.”

Britney Spears for PEOPLE.

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Britney Spears describes what it was like to live under the supervision of conservators: I became a ‘robot child’ (Exclusive)

The singer writes that while the glare of growing up in the public eye was difficult for her, she previously found ways to resist, like when she shaved her head in 2007. But under guardianship, “they made me realize that those days were over now.”

Under conservatorship, she lost her creative spark, and her passion for singing and dancing became “almost a joke,” he writes.

“On stage I became more of an entity than a person. I have always felt music in my bones and in my blood; they stole that from me,” she writes. “If they had let me live my life, I know I would have followed my heart and gotten out of this the right way and handled it.”

Britney Spears performs in Las Vegas in June 2016.

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In an email interview with PEOPLE, Spears dives deeper into the most difficult moments of her life, admitting that she still has a “hard time talking about them.”

“The most important things I think about are not having a moment of peace, the judgments of strangers who don’t even know me,” she says. “My freedom was taken away from me by my family and the government. I lose my passion for the things I love.”

With conservatorship in the rearview mirror, Spears moved on and writes in her book that since then she “had to build a completely different identity.”

I had to say, wait a minute, this is what I was – someone passive and pleasant. A girl. And this is who I am now – someone strong and self-confident. A woman,” she writes.

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Britney Spears for PEOPLE.

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Spears will release The woman in me October 24 through Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster. It is now available for pre-order.

For more exclusive excerpts and interviews with Britney Spears, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands everywhere Friday.

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