Does Sexting Qualify as Infidelity?

Learn how and when to confront your partner about texting outside of the relationship

This article was co-authored by Charity Danker, LPC and wikiHow staff writer Dev Murphy, MA. Charity is a licensed therapist and certified sex therapist. She considers herself a holistic sex and relationship coach based in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. With over 11 years of professional experience, she specializes in many areas, including marriage and couples counseling, somatic sexuality education, and sexual dysfunction. He also works as a certified coach of orgasmic meditation. Charity received her BA in Psychology from Oklahoma State University and her MA in Marriage and Family Therapy from Southern Nazarene University. She then obtained her AASECT certificate in sex therapy. There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of all facts cited and confirming the authority of its sources.

You discovered some disturbing messages on your partner’s phone or DMs in their inbox: They sent sexy photos and messages to someone else. You feel heartbroken, angry, confused and wondering Is this cheating? While the answer depends on your and your partner’s predetermined definition of infidelity, for many people sexting is a form of betrayal. So how do you get ahead? How to stand up to your partner and set boundaries? Is sexting a forgivable offense? We sat down with dating coach John Keegan and Charity Danker, LPC and certified sex therapist, to get some answers. Continue reading to learn more.

Sexting someone is cheating if you and your partner have determined that it’s cheating, but if you haven’t, it’s possible that it was an honest mistake.
After taking time to collect your thoughts, gently confront your partner and say how you feel about their actions and clarify your expectations in the relationship.
For some couples, sexting signals the end of a relationship, but other couples manage to move forward after establishing boundaries and slowly rebuilding trust.

Discovering that your partner is sending or receiving sexually charged messages can be deeply upsetting and even traumatizing if you haven’t agreed that texting is acceptable. Before you make any decisions about how to respond, take some time to clear your head, calm down, and figure out how you feel about it.[6]
- You can take a few hours or an entire evening for yourself to cool off and think about how you feel.
- Consider reaching out to a friend you trust and talking about what happened.[7]
- Journaling can be an effective way to get your thoughts out, put your feelings into words, and relieve some of the stress the situation has caused.[8]
Ask your partner if you can talk at a time when there is nothing going on with either of you and you are both relatively calm and comfortable. Let them know what you discovered and share how you felt when you found it on their phone.
- Keegan advises to stay calm, even though you’re probably feeling upset: “[A]ask him about it, make him open up and see how he reacts…. [I]f keep a clear head [and] look…how he reacts…maybe you can continue the relationship.”
- “Mandy, I saw those messages you shared with Joan and I was really shocked and hurt. I know we haven’t exactly established what is considered cheating in this relationship, but I was still very surprised. Can we talk about this?”
- “Joel, you left your computer open and I saw some really disturbing messages you sent. We talked about it and agreed that texting is not OK, so I am so hurt, angry and confused. What happened?”
Whether or not you and your partner have already discussed what qualifies as infidelity in your relationship, now might be the time for you both to know what each other’s personal boundaries are. For example, maybe pornography is okay, but texting is not. Make your expectations as clear as possible.[9]
- If you and your partner haven’t discussed what qualifies as cheating in your relationship, you may be feeling conflicted here: Did they do something wrong? If it makes you feel upset, is it okay to feel upset? Should you just let it go?
  - Although you may not be sure if your partner has done something wrong, know that what you are feeling is completely right.
- If you and your partner have already decided that sexting qualifies as cheating, you may feel especially betrayed by their actions, because your partner knew that the behavior would hurt you.
- Sometimes it is difficult to articulate what is considered betrayal. For example, having good friends is not cheating, but forming a deep emotional connection with another person can be a form of emotional betrayal. Try to articulate your needs to your partner, but understand that some boundaries are difficult to define.
Whether your partner knowingly betrayed your trust or not, your trust has probably taken a hit.[10]
Although some couples end their relationship because of sexting—especially if the person doing the sexting knew their partner wouldn’t approve—many couples find a way to move forward by carefully rebuilding trust. If your partner expresses remorse for his behavior, the relationship could be repaired.
- Forgiveness is key to moving forward with your partner.[11]
  However, it’s not a linear process, so be gentle with yourself if you start to feel more trusting, only to occasionally slip back into anger or distrust.
- Rebuilding trust is a slow process and requires a lot of patience and understanding. Setting some rules can help you rebuild your relationship:
  - For example, you can ask your partner to stop communicating with whoever they’ve had sex with, or to tell you whenever they meet that person.
  - You can also ask to randomly check your partner’s phone or social media for a few months while you work on trusting your partner again.
- If you discovered evidence of sexting while snooping on your partner’s phone or computer, know that they too may feel like their trust has been betrayed.
  - It might be worth considering why you felt compelled to look through their phone or computer – have they given you other reasons to doubt their commitment or trustworthiness?[12]
If you and your partner are having trouble coming to terms with your actions, professional therapy can help. Discussing the issue with a licensed couples counselor can help you understand why your partner engaged in texting, how to rebuild the relationship, and whether you even want to continue the relationship.[13]
- You can find a suitable couples counselor in your area by asking friends who have been to couples counseling for referrals, or you can check the therapist locator on Psychology Today.
- Solo therapy can also be beneficial for you, and possibly your partner: Finding out that your partner is sexting someone else can be traumatic and can erode your trust in your partner, which can make couples counseling difficult to bear and unproductive.

Infidelity can be a huge blow to your relationship satisfaction, self-confidence and sense of security. After finding out that your partner had sex with someone else, you may struggle with intense anxiety about the future of your relationship and jealousy towards the person they had sex with. You might be wondering if the fact that they acted like this means that the relationship isn’t meant to be and if it’s somehow your fault.[14]
- Anxiety about their commitment to the relationship and shame about being a victim of their behavior can cause you to stop expressing your needs.
Even if your partner wasn’t considering sexting infidelity and it was an honest mistake, finding out they’ve been sexting with someone can completely destroy your trust in them and your faith in the relationship.[15]
You may feel the need to always know what they are doing and where they are going, and you may feel less comfortable confiding in them, which can allow the rift between you to deepen.
- If you and your partner decide to continue the relationship, it will take time to rebuild the trust that was lost by their actions, and regular checks and monitoring of their phone or internet activity can help you start trusting them again.
- But constant vigilance can be oppressive for your partner and exhausting for you. Over time, it is imperative that you can give them space again. If you can’t do this over time, it may be a sign that the relationship is too broken to heal.
You might feel resentment towards your partner for having sex with someone else (as well as resentment towards the person they had sex with). Anger towards your partner is normal and natural, but if you can’t overcome these feelings over time, it may mean that the relationship needs to end.
- It can take a long time to get over feeling jealous of your partner, and these feelings can continue to appear even after you’ve “got over” it. This is common: just remember that forgiveness is not a linear process.
- You may feel particularly resentful if you have already felt that your partner is not meeting your own needs adequately: it may seem as if he is prioritizing someone else over you.[16]
Discovering that your partner is sending or receiving explicit messages from someone else can be traumatizing. The effects of infidelity can include depression, anxiety, and other symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and can put individuals at risk for poorer mental health in general.[17]
- Because being in love can produce more oxytocin and dopamine in the brain — chemicals that make us feel good and happy — love can feel similar to addiction. Infidelity, then, can cause changes in the brain similar to withdrawal symptoms.[18]

Categories: How to
Source: HIS Education

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