Eli Rallo on Dating Apps, Sex and the City and Her New Book (Exclusive Excerpt)

Eli Rallo, content creator and presenter Miss Cuteness podcast, he completed a new milestone: writing a book. The 24-year-old New Jersey native, who currently has more than 112 million likes on TikTok, has compiled her tips for navigating modern dating into her new book I didn’t know I needed this, which is being released today by Harvest.Rallo, who posts videos to her more than 788k TikTok followers on topics such as “rules” for dealing with breakups and how to take care of yourself after a bad date, has become something of a dating guide. In his book, he gives advice for dating at every stage – from first accepting singleness to entering dating apps, from preparing for a first date to recovering from the ghost. Rallo includes his own dating experiences and theories, such as the “ten date theory,” which states that if you go on ten dates with ten different people, you’ll come away with at least five viable options, which will eventually come down to one person. However, at the heart of the book is Rall’s belief that you are responsible for your own choices, every step of the way. Here, Rallo talks to PEOPLE about his process and the dos and don’ts of dating, followed by an exclusive book excerpt.

You’re a podcaster, content creator and now author – how are you doing? I didn’t know I needed this I went to college for theater and creative writing, so I always knew I wanted to go [a creative field] of some kind. I was going to go to Columbia to get my Masters in Journalism, which I finished in August 2020. Then I had a random viral video on TikTok. I still went to grad school, even worked as a journalist for a while after graduating from Columbia, but my social media really took off.

Eli Rallo.

Marisa Silva

I was actually technically between jobs – I left my only journalism job due to some extenuating circumstances – and I wanted to do something else. While I was applying, interviewing, trying to get my tentacles out, my now literary agents came to me and said they might have an idea for a book. One thing led to another, and that was almost two years ago, so it was a very crazy process. I feel like two years sounds like a really long time, but it also feels like yesterday, so it’s been amazing.

You’ve been called the “Carrie Bradshaw for the TikTok era.” What do you think of that comparison? Obviously I have mixed emotions about it, because I think that Carrie as a being… I want to be everything that she is. Brilliant, confident, stylish, artistic, creative, successful — but then when we actually watch the show and get into the nitty-gritty, specifically how she treats her friends and how often she complains, I’m like, “Oh man I hope I don’t act like that .” I don’t think I know. I would never describe myself that way, but I’m honored that people see me in her, or her in me, because I would definitely, when I grew up, watch the show and say, “This is what I want to do with my life.” I think it’s special that I could watch that show when I was 15 and think, “That’s what I want to do with my life,” and then 10 years later, I’m doing that with my life. I made a lot of connections with people who worked on the series or [been] part of the show from the masses of people telling me I’m giving Carrie Bradshaw. I will always pay tribute to Carrie, but I also take up my own little space in the world and on the internet.

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Eli Rallo.

Marisa Silva

How do you approach writing about dating in today’s world? Although the world of dating is fleeting, I hope the message and theme of the book is a lasting thing that can always be true, because I feel it is. Even if the chapter on dating apps might be outdated or the way we interact with other people in romantic ways might be outdated, I just hope that people really look at the themes and the message as something eternal.

It was definitely interesting to write about dating, especially through my own experience through that lens. I feel like the internet has really helped me gain a very broad view of how people feel about dating today. I always talk to my followers throughout the day and connect with them and see how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking. That’s a really nice and special part of my job: being able to connect and learn from the audience.

Never miss a story — subscribe to PEOPLE’s free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Let’s talk about some specific rules in your dating app chapter. What does it mean to ghostwriter dating apps? In my experience with friends and single friends and friends who date and use apps, the people in my life see me as someone who is a writer, creative, good with words, funny. A lot of times I feel like I was doing profiles to introduce my friends to them or for them or just helping them, or we all did them together.

They said, “Oh, Eli, you always have great ideas about X, Y, Z. Let’s do it together.” Beautiful, done. I feel like I’ve taken it many times [on] role as a ghostwriter for other people’s apps and app profiles, so I thought it was fun too.

Eli Rallo.

Marisa Silva

Who wants [be] like, “Okay. Let’s download this app and put ourselves in there and give instructions and do our best, boohoo.” Of course, that will be bullshit. How about me and you go out for drinks, have a good night, open apps and fuck around with queries. We act goofy and goofy. Suddenly it’s fun. All of a sudden you say, “I’m someone I’d hit right now.”

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I like that idea of ​​reframing the process as collaborative. You have people who love and support you, highlighting qualities you may not have shared yourself. Yes, 100%. Obviously, I think highly of myself, but my best friend will think, I would say, more highly or less critically. She’ll say, “You look amazing in that photo. You have to post that photo. How are you not sure about that photo? You look amazing.”

All those things, just having your own hype woman. I always say that you should treat yourself like your best friends. Your best friends treat you great for a reason. They love you. Having them be a part of the process just makes it more fun and easier, and less stressful and scary. In the list of rules, you write that Snapchat is a big “no”. Why? Someone who doesn’t want your messages in a rigid format that can be received — that’s never a good thing. I’m not saying that if you have a boyfriend or friends, you can’t send them Snapchat pictures during the day or anything. That is OK. But when that’s your primary form of communication, that’s never a good thing, because that person or you like the fact that it’s not in permanent ink.

Eli Rallo.

Marisa Silva

I just think that if someone has your phone number and chooses not to use it, you have to ask yourself why. There are exceptions to this rule. Maybe there’s a world where you’re seeing someone and it goes from Snapchat to texting to ringing and you’re married and have kids.

I have no idea. There have been crazier things that have happened, but as I’ve seen it and as many other people have seen it, for the most part, if someone has your phone number and decides to use Snapchat, there’s a reason for it. Probably because they are looking for something casual with you. Otherwise, it would be a good idea to message you all the time.

Your last rule is the “ten date theory”, which is ultimately a numbers game, with ten potential dates leaving you with one viable option. Can you elaborate on this rule? I think we have this idea in our brain that there is one true soul mate for us. If you break up with someone who is the love of your life, you will never love again. Or some people say your first love is puppy love, but your second love is true love, and there are only two loves. It’s such a limited and, frankly, destabilizing way of thinking about love. That is not the case.

I’m writing about soul mates and how I think we probably have an infinite number of opportunities to meet people who could be our soul mates. So the “ten date theory” is a way of showing people that it’s a numbers game. It’s about luck. It’s also about fate in many ways, but it’s about luck and numbers. One of those people [on those 10 dates] could be a viable partner for you because that’s a lot of people. I think it’s more about telling people that there is no one way to meet someone. There isn’t just one scientific theory, but if you’re actively dating and doing your best, going on dates and making friends, you’re going to meet someone because you’re putting the odds in your favor.

Eli Rallo.

Marisa Silva

That’s the whole episode Sex and the city, actually. There’s a whole episode where Charlotte tells Carrie, “You have two loves of your life.” Carrie realizes that she was already in love with Aidan and Big and is single. She spirals because she says, “Oh my God.” I’m pretty sure by the end of the episode he’ll realize it’s not true, or maybe he’ll realize it is.

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I think there are so many limited ways we think about dating that make people hate dating. There are ways to make it more fun and easy or even as a self-challenge. That is what the rule is trying to achieve. What do you want readers to take away from this book? I think the most special thing I see when people read is that they take from it what they need. What someone should take away from this book is maybe something I didn’t even set out to write, and that’s very exciting for me. The idea that someone might say, “Oh, my God. I experienced this breakthrough after reading your book because of X, Y, Z.” In my brain, I might say, “Well, that wasn’t intentional. That’s not what I was trying to do.” I feel like we often try to shove one message down people’s throats, but the only message I’m trying to tell you is that you always have yourself. You always have your choice. You always have your voice. Use it. Let’s talk about it, especially through the lens of dating.

‘I didn’t know I needed this’ Eli Rallo.

Harvest, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers

Check out Rall’s list of rules for dating apps below:Rules for dating apps1. On a dating app profile, 90 percent of the photos should be ONLY you.2. Get the ghostwriter dating app. Let your friends help you.3. Make your profile queries accessible—give people easy access.4. If a date hasn’t been set within forty-eight hours of hooking up on a dating app, it’s time to move on.5. HUMOR is a green flag, always. 6. NOT. SNAPCHAT. 7. You are now the captain. It’s not all about whether THEY like you. It’s also about whether you like them!8. The stakes are low, so keep them low – you’re just trying this person out!9. Ten date theory.From I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED THIS Eli Rallo. Copyright © 2023 Eli Rallo. Reprinted by permission of Harvest, published by HarperCollins Publishers.

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