How Lily Collins Overcame Eating Disorders, an Absentee Father and Being the ‘Definition of Codependent’

Lily Collins has packed a lot of life into her 27 years. Now, the actress and daughter of legendary musician Phil Collins opens up about it all in her new collection of essays, Unfiltered: no shame, no regrets, just me, in which she gets candid about dealing with troubled boyfriends, eating disorders and an absentee father who abuses alcohol.

“It’s definitely like my diary being published,” she told PEOPLE last year about her new book, which came out Tuesday. “I’m willing to put myself in that uncomfortable position, to be the first one to stand up and say, ‘Well, this is something I’ve been through.’ ”

The To the bone the star also explained that she wrote the book to inspire her young fans.

“This is my way of starting a conversation with young women and saying, ‘Hey, we’re all the same.’ Collins said. “We all have the same problems.”

Read on to learn more about the biggest revelations in the book:

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Collins dated an addict, which prepared her for her father’s struggle with alcoholism

Collins has dated several men who have struggled with sobriety, she writes.

“The most difficult of those relationships was with an ex-boyfriend who used substances as a way of self-medicating, alternating between drugs and alcohol,” she explains. Although he was sober at the beginning of their relationship, that quickly changed.

“When he drank excessively, he would worry about everything,” she writes. “He doubted the things I would say and became incredibly insecure. I found myself constantly reassuring him of my affection and it got to the point where nothing I said could make him feel any better.”

Eventually the romance ended because his denial of the problem put “too much strain” on their relationship. Collins writes that this experience with her ex prepared her for her father’s struggle with alcoholism — an addiction so intense it almost killed him.

“Just like with my ex-boyfriend, intervening and speaking out in that way was one of the hardest, most frustrating and painful things I’ve ever had to do,” she writes. “And one of the hardest parts was that it was out of my control.

“At the end of the day, the more they refused to admit their problem, the more I suffered,” she continues. “I felt stupid and disrespected. I felt stupid.”

She talked about these feelings later in the book, as part of an open letter to her dad.

“We all make decisions and, while I don’t condone some of yours, at the end of the day we can’t rewrite the past,” she writes. “I’m learning to accept your actions and express how they made me feel… I now understand that my frustrations surrounding our communication are not about changing you, but about accepting you as you are.”

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Collins claims that her ex-boyfriend emotionally abused her and put his arm around her neck

“I found myself in a romantic relationship filled with deception, infatuation, co-dependency and someone pretty dark with…”, Collins writes about an ex-boyfriend (whom she never names). “Now I know that I fell in love with his image.”

She explains that she tried to be “perfect for him,” but “the more I kept my voice down with that guy, the more isolated I became.”

Collins admits that she even began to distance herself from her mom during that dysfunctional period.

“I became an island of only one woman, but not the strong and independent kind,” she explains. “I was the definition of codependent. And the worst thing: I was so afraid that if I left him, I would have nothing. Be nothing.”

Ultimately, he says, the wake-up call came in the middle of a heated argument.

“His hand reached out and closed around my neck. Part of me feels weird even calling it choking because I can’t imagine that person doing something like that, but it still felt extremely threatening,” Collins writes. “It shocked me to the core and that’s what did it me finally pay attention.”

They broke up only to get back together, but eventually Collins ended the relationship for good.

“I realized that you can love people and support them, but you don’t necessarily have to be in a relationship with them to do that,” she told PEOPLE last year about her difficult relationships. “If [the relationship] starts to affect you and dims your light and takes your spirit away, then you really have to think about stepping back and letting them go through whatever they need to go through.”

She struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years

Collins writes that her relationship with food and her body first changed when she was 16, when her father separated from her stepmother.

“I couldn’t handle the pain and confusion of my father’s divorce, and it was difficult for me to juggle being a teenager with two different adult careers — both of which I chose myself, but which also focused heavily on how I looked,” she writes of staying slim as actress and model.

Collins began exercising so intensely that “exercise became a form of self-medication.” In addition, she also began to limit her food intake: she only ate food when she knew how many calories it contained.

“Eating was no longer a fun social event, but instead an obligation and a punishment,” she writes, “I was exhausted, nervous and cranky all the time. It wasn’t much fun for me. But my plan worked! I was in control! I was skinny!”

Soon, Collins began using diet pills and laxatives, relying on them from the age of 16 until her early twenties. Then she became bulimic. Collins says she lied to her mom for years to hide her eating problems.

“Between starvation, diet pills, laxatives and vomiting, not only did I lose all energy, but my body began to shut down,” she writes. “Hair and nails lost their luster and became brittle. My throat burned and my esophagus hurt. My periods stopped for a few years and I was terrified that I had ruined my chances of having children.”

Eventually, her school noticed. Collins writes that her guidance counselor informed her mother that she would not be able to return to school unless she brought a medical certificate stating that she was “not in danger.”

“Now, it’s just something that’s part of my past that I’m in control of,” Collins said recently Teen Vogue. “I don’t live in a mess. It does not affect my daily life because I do not participate in the disorder. It’s part of who I am, but it’s always something I look back on and think about in terms of my progress.”

The lessons she learned

After unhealthy relationships with men and her body, Collins now deals with self-love.

“You have to come to terms with who you are, be proud of who you are, love yourself and know what you need before you can fully love someone else,” she told PEOPLE. “[Self love] is the one and only love you need above all else.”

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Source: HIS Education