The ‘Law & Order: SVU’ star writes a first-person essay about her experience as part of this week’s PEOPLE cover story
In this week’s PEOPLE cover story, Law and order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay shares her experience — in her own words.
A man raped me in my thirties.
It wasn’t sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Too much control.
He was a friend. Then he wasn’t. I tried every way to get out of it. I tried to joke, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason with myself, to say no. He grabbed my arms and held me down. I was terrified. I didn’t want it to escalate into violence. Now I know that it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid that he would become physically violent. I went into a freeze state, a common response to trauma when there is no escape option. I checked out of my body.
I couldn’t process it. I couldn’t believe it happened. That’s it could to happen. So I cut it out. I removed it from my story. Now I have so much empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me through it. It never happened. I respect that part now: I did what I had to do to survive.
For a long time, I focused on creating a foundation to help survivors of abuse and sexual violence heal. I was building Joyful Heart from the outside so I could work from the inside. I think I also needed to see what healing might look like. I look back at the speeches where I said, “I’m not a survivor.” I was not untruthful; I didn’t think of myself that way.
I occasionally spoke about what this person had done to me, but kept it to a minimum. My husband Peter remembers me saying, “I mean, it’s not rape.” Then things started to change in me and I started to talk about it more seriously with those closest to me. They were the first to call it what it is. They were gentle, kind and considerate, but their naming was important. It wasn’t confronting, like, “You have to face what happened,” it was more like looking at it in the light of day, “Here’s what it means when someone rapes another person, so in your spare time it might be useful to compare it to by what was done to you.” Then I had my own realization, my own calculation.
Now I can clearly see what was done to me. I understand the neurobiology of trauma. Trauma breaks our mind and memory. The way a mirror breaks.
I went through many unwanted steps. This was not mine to navigate. This was beyond that. That’s why I talked so much about date rape, because many people still think of rape as a man jumping out of the bushes. This was a friend who made a unilateral decision.
Survivors who watched the series told me that I helped them and gave them strength. But they are the ones who have been my source of strength. They experienced darkness and cruelty, complete disregard for another human being, and they did what they had to do to survive. For some, that means making Olivia Benson a big part of their lives—an honor beyond words—for others, it means building a foundation. We are strong and we find a way.
I’ve said for a long time that I hope people can talk about sexual abuse the same way they talk about cancer now. Tell someone you are a cancer survivor and you will be celebrated. I want the same answer for sexual assault survivors. I don’t want the shame of the victim. The shame of the act belongs to the perpetrator: they are the ones who committed the heinous, shameful act.
However, my hope has also changed. And it’s less hope than renewed determination. I want this violence to stop. Sexual violence does not exist because of something immutable in our human condition, it exists because there are power structures that allow it to happen. These power structures are so pervasive that no one is immune to them. They give rise to thoughts like “I must have done something to cause this.” And our society agrees: “Yes, you brought it on yourself.” That is a lie and it must change. Violence stops when the power structure changes.
When it comes to justice, it’s important to know that it can look different for each survivor. As for me, I want recognition and an apology. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I raped you. I’m out of excuses. That’s the beginning. I don’t know what’s on the other side of it, and it won’t undo what happened, but I know it plays a role in how I get through this.
This is the painful part of my story. The experience was horrible. But it doesn’t even come close to defining me, in the same way that no other part of my story defines me. No one part of anyone’s story defines them.
I’m turning 60 and I’m deeply grateful that I am. I am renewed and overwhelmed with compassion for all of us who have suffered. And I’m still proudly in the process.
For more on Mariska Hargitay, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to rainn.org.
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