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This article was written by Maya Diamond, MA and wikiHow staff writer Hannah Madden. Maya Diamond is a dating and relationship coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find inner security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master’s Degree in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009. There are 8 references cited in this article that can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 224,420 times.
Have you ever felt that someone is hiding something from you? We all have reasons to keep secrets from time to time, but if it’s your close friend or significant other, you’re probably worried that they’re keeping something important from you. While not all secrets are bad, there are some tell-tale ways to tell if a girl is hiding something. Read on to learn exactly how to spot erratic behavior and how to talk to her about it.
- When a girl is hiding something, she may avoid certain topics or get nervous around a certain person.
- She might also be more reserved with her phone or easily get angry and lash out.
- Accept it by sitting in a private place and working out your concerns. Ask him to share what he’s been hiding so it all comes out.
Avoid certain topics. Do you notice that he winces every time you bring up a certain topic or person? He may quickly change topics or stop responding if the two of you are texting. It could mean that you don’t want to talk about something related, so you avoid it altogether.[1]
- Does your behavior change when a certain topic is mentioned?
- Does it change when a certain person is around?
- Does he seem uncomfortable when he is in a certain place?
- Is there an upcoming event that you don’t want to talk about?
She gets nervous or nervous when she talks about something. Note any time he can’t stop moving or seems anxious when you bring up a topic. This is a telltale sign that you are hiding something or that you don’t want to talk about a certain topic.[2]
Other signs of nervousness include:- seems to be thinking a lot[3]
- His eyes often flicker towards the exit.[4]
- Often stops when giving answers.[5]
- She abruptly changes the subject.
- Cross your arms over your chest or protect other vulnerable areas, like your throat.
- She gives too many details.[6]
- He leans back, as if trying to physically distance himself.[7]
- There is peace in his hands and feet.[8]
- A different gesture is missing[9]
- Stop using “I” statements and call people by their first name instead of “he” or “she”[10]
- Completely avoid answering questions.[11]
- Clears throat and often has difficulty swallowing[12]
She becomes more protective of her phone. Maybe he didn’t have a problem with you grabbing his phone to look up a song or snap a quick photo before. If he’s hiding something, he could change his password to something you don’t know or take his phone with him wherever he goes. It’s probably because he has something on his cell phone that he doesn’t want you to see.[13]
- She can also turn the screen away from you while texting or keep her phone silent so it doesn’t ring when someone calls her.
Seems absent or distracted. You may be telling a funny story, when you look and see that it is deeply thought out. Or maybe you ask him a question and all he can say is “Hmm?” If he has other things on his mind that he doesn’t want to share with you yet, he may be thinking about that instead of what’s in front of him.[14]
- You may also start leaving your belongings in public places or forget to do simple tasks and chores.
Gets angry or irritated easily. If you’re hiding something that’s bothering you, you may be struggling to contain your anger. You may notice that she explodes over little things or gets mad at you over simple mistakes. These are signs that she is struggling with something inside of her (that she may or may not have to do with you).[15]
Other people notice a change in your behavior. Ask for the opinion of a mutual friend about your doubts. Choose someone who knows both of you and ask your friend if he has noticed the same strange behavior. If this friend noticed something wrong, he may be able to understand his behavior.
It seems that something is wrong with her. If it’s someone you spend a lot of time with, you’ll probably notice very quickly that something seems different or off. Take a mental note and continue to make observations about when it seems different than usual.[16]
- This can be hard to quantify, but you’ll know when you see it: maybe she’s not as bright and bubbly as she usually is, or maybe she’s being a little too nice to you even though she’s usually more subdued.
Consider the seriousness of what you appear to be hiding. As you look at his behavior and what triggers it, think about what he might be hiding and how serious it is. If you think it’s something small or insignificant, it may not be worth confronting her about it.
- If you are in a relationship with her, she may be hiding that she is cheating on you or that she picked up a bad habit that she promised to quit, like smoking. Or, if she is a friend, she could be hiding something that was said about you behind your back.
- There is always the possibility that you are hiding something positive, like a surprise gift or a party. It is important to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Write down your doubts in advance. Creating a list of your doubts or detailing a big doubt will help you see yourself and feel more prepared to face it. It also gives you a chance to reflect on the behavior, words, or actions that led you to these conclusions.
- Include anything strange about your behavior, including the things you said, the way you acted, and any strange behaviors you exhibited.
- Record your observations about which issues or people trigger these changes in your behavior.
Find a quiet moment to talk to her. If she is your partner, talk to her at home. If you’re just friends, go out for lunch or find a quiet cafe to sit and talk.[17]
- If you plan ahead, don’t tell him you want to talk about his behavior. Instead, just ask her to hang out so she’s caught off guard.
Start the topic calmly and rationally. Do your best to defuse the situation by staying calm.[18]
Keep your tone of voice and express your concerns in a way that doesn’t accuse her or make her feel like the villain.- However, that doesn’t mean you should avoid or be vague about what you’re looking for. Be direct and clear about your confidentiality so that you fully understand the conversation.
- “Lately, I have the feeling that you are hiding something from me. My relationship with you is important to me, so I would like to talk about it.”
- “You’ve had interesting reactions to the comments I’ve made lately. I don’t want to offend you, but it sounds like you might be keeping a secret. Can we talk about that?”
- “I recently noticed that you were extremely nervous most of the time I was with you. Is there something going on you’d like to talk about?”
Explain your thoughts and observations to express your concerns. You’re having this conversation with her because you’re worried about what’s going on and you want to resolve it, so help her understand that with your words and gestures.[19]
Give examples in a courteous and non-accusatory way.- “Lately, I’ve noticed that when Bryan is around, you become distant and withdrawn. I wonder what happened to make you change towards him. I’m here to help you.”
- “You’ve been getting a bit reserved lately when we talk to other people about our plans. I’m worried and I want to know if there’s anything you need to tell me.
- “Last time we were in Mrs. Smith’s class, you seemed very nervous and restless. I’m here for you if you want to talk about what happened to cause it.”
- “You told me the other night that you stayed up and read a book until you fell asleep, but Stacy said that you two went out dancing. It hurts me that you lied to me and I wonder why you felt the need to do that.”
Listen carefully to your answer. Remember to stay calm and give them a chance to respond without interrupting. If he continues to act secretly, let him know that you notice certain behaviors that indicate he may be lying, such as not being able to maintain eye contact, pausing frequently, or giving too much detail. Then ask her again to be honest with you.
- “I heard you said that…”
- “I understand that you feel…”
- “I appreciate you agreeing to discuss this with me, but I have a feeling you still aren’t being completely honest. Can you share the whole truth with me?”
- “I am very glad that we have the opportunity to talk about this. However, it sounds like you have more to say, but haven’t yet. Go ahead, share.”
- If you continue to overlook what’s really going on, consider the value of this friendship or relationship. What does it say about your relationship with her if she doesn’t tell you the truth?
Give yourself time to process what she shares. If he shares what he’s been hiding with you, give yourself some time to think about it, especially if it’s something negative.[20]
You can ask him to give you some space or ask him not to talk to each other for a few days so you can collect your thoughts.- “I really appreciate you sharing with me. I have to admit that my feelings are a little hurt. I’m going to collect my thoughts and I’ll get back to you in a few days when I’m ready to talk more.”
- Consider your reasons for hiding this from him and the validity of those reasons. Should she have been honest with you from the start or is her secrecy understandable?
- Evaluate the relationship, whether it was right of you to withhold the information from him, and what can be done to repair any damage done.
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