Stephen 'tWitch' Boss' Widow Allison Holker Discovered His Drug Addiction in 'Very Scary' Moment Before Funeral (Exclusive)

Allison Holker made a devastating discovery about her late husband, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, on one of the hardest days of her life.

Weeks after The Ellen DeGeneres Show co-executive producer and longtime deejay who died by suicide aged 40 in December 2022, the dancer discovered a “cornucopia” of drugs – including mushrooms, pills and “other substances I had to look up on my phone” – hidden in his boxes shoe.

“I was with one of my very dear friends and we were cleaning out his closet and picking out clothes for his funeral,” Holker, 36, recalls in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE for the latest cover story, on newsstands Friday.

“It was a really moving moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I didn’t know existed. It was very alarming to find out that there was so much going on that I had no idea about [about],” she continues. “It was a really scary moment in my life to realize that, but it also helped me realize that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and it must have been a lot of shame.”

For more on Allison Holker and her new memoir, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday, or subscribe here.

Allison Holker is preparing to publish a memoir This far in February: Inside her ‘really vulnerable’ new book (Exclusive)

During their nine-year marriage, Holker — who details her healing journey in a new memoir titled This far (out Feb. 4) — believed she and Boss had “very honest” communication, including his marijuana use. At night, after their children had gone to sleep, he would quietly enter their inn to smoke or drink.

“It was a time when he was alone. It was a time to recharge and that was okay,” she says.

But as she combed through his diaries in the hope of finding clarity – and closure – after his death, Holker learned that her husband kept painful secrets from even those closest to him.

“He was wrestling with a lot of things inside himself, trying to self-medicate and deal with all these feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everything so much,” she says of Boss, who alluded to being sexually abused by a male character as a child. in several of his journal entries. “He didn’t want other people to take his pain.”

Allison Holker at home in LA on December 11th.

John Russo

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Although she felt betrayed by his secrets, Holker also gained a new perspective over time.

“Reading Stephen’s journals, and even going back to the books he read and the things he highlighted and listed, really gave me a better perspective on where he was in life and the things he was struggling with,” she says. . “It made me feel a lot of empathy for him and sadness for all the pain he was carrying.”

She emphasizes that she now shares Boss’s struggles — and the aftermath of his death — in hopes of saving even just one person who was struggling in silence.

“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that were said, reading his journals … you realize that he went through a lot as a child and never faced it,” she said. he says. “It’s hard to think that he’s never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, come out the other side. I really hope that people who are dealing with the same things will help themselves to come out of the shadows and [know] you’ll be fine.”

While Boss — who was reclusive, showered less often and smoked morning and night — admitted to her that he was going through a low period, he was “very careful about those words,” she recalls.

Allison Holker and Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss in September 2022.

Courtesy of Allison Holker

Allison Holker smiles with all three of her kids in sweet new family photos: ‘I’m thankful for these angels’

At that time, it closed eight years later The Ellen DeGeneres Show while also finishing the run as a referee on So you think you can dance.

Still, “we’ve been preparing for this big year,” she says. “It seemed like, ‘Oh, he’s resting,’ which he would say he never had.”

Looking back, Holker believes he struggled deeply with the gap between extroverted “Twitch,” his beloved public persona, and introverted Stephen, a man who yearned to be the “perfect” husband and father to their three children, Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5.

“If I thought about my husband at the time, I would think, ‘Oh, I love that tWitch is such a great performer, but when he comes home he feels safe enough to be Stephen,'” she says. “I’ve been with him for so long, and he’s been like that throughout the relationship. I thought, ‘It’s nice that he can be both.'”

Looking back, Holker realizes that his “two very different personalities” were increasingly “fighting” against each other. “What if he felt safe as a person who has different kinds of energy,” he now wonders. “You don’t have to be completely different people and put them aside from each other.”

The morning before he disappeared, Boss drove Weslie to school. She was the last person in their family to see him alive, and his last words to her were, “I wish I could be your Superman.”

Stephen ‘tWitch’ boss with Weslie, Zaia and Maddox.

Allison Holker/instagram

Allison Holker Says Her ‘Three Beautiful Angels’ Cope With Boss Father Stephen ‘tWitch’s Death ‘With So Much Grace’ (Exclusive)

“Having someone say those last words to you that you didn’t take as a bad thing at the time … that’s really hard, especially as a teenager,” Holker says, noting that Weslie still attends the same school.

“She’s handling it with a lot more grace than she should. We’ve taken steps to really help her and communicate with her and make her feel seen and heard,” Holker continues. “I think she sees those words as both beautiful and ugly. It’s a battle she’ll always have with herself, but I know she can see it from both sides.”

Feeling the full range of emotions — and knowing that it’s okay — is what Holker hopes others will take away from her new book.

Harper Select

“I’ve been so fortunate to have the resources to help me that I’ve partnered with now,” she says of working with organizations like the National Alliance of Mental Illness and Maple Counseling. “I’ve learned that there are so many other resources that a lot of people don’t know about. So many people have come to me wanting to talk, and if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that mental health can affect anyone at any point in their life.

“It’s just important to be an open vessel for them as they go through it, to listen and give them space to be who they are in that moment and not make them feel like it’s wrong,” Holker says. “People who have a lot of light have gone through a lot of darkness. And that’s okay because you can’t have one without the other.”

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, contact the Suicide and Crisis Line 988 by dialing 988 or text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Line at 741741.

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light by Allison Holker is out February 4th from Harper Select and is available for pre-order now, wherever books are sold.

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Source: HIS Education