Understanding Why You’re So Hard on Yourself and How to Change It

Expert tips on how to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks

This article was co-authored by wikiHow staff writer, Sophie Burkholder, BA. Sophie Burkholder graduated from Boston University in 2020 with dual degrees in Spanish and Modern Foreign Language Education. For three years, Sophie worked as a classroom teacher and strived to foster a love of learning and self-empowerment in her students. With that same purpose but a new audience, she now writes for the content team at wikiHow. She’s passionate about giving readers the tools they need for any goal, big or small.

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Have you been wondering why you’re so hard on yourself lately? When you’ve caught yourself in a downward spiral of negative thoughts and self-criticism, it can be difficult to pull yourself out and see the reality of the situation for what it is. But there are a lot of reasons that you may be feeling down on yourself lately (and nearly none of them have to do with anything you did wrong). We interviewed experts on mental health and psychology to give you the definitive answer to why you may be so hard on yourself and what you can do to fix it.

Being hard on yourself may stem from childhood trauma, societal expectations, or low self-esteem. You likely have very high standards for yourself and struggle to cope when you don’t meet them. Try challenging negative self-talk by making a list of your positive qualities and successes.

When you notice a piece of negative self-talk pop into your head, find a gentle, encouraging thought to counteract the negative it. You don’t have to attack or challenge the negative thought—instead, try to soothe the part of your brain that wants to criticize you.[7]
- For example, if you think something like “I’m such a lazy slob,” you can say something gentle and soothing like, “It’s normal to feel like you’re being lazy when you’re really just relaxing. You deserve to have some downtime.”
When you notice that you’re being hard on yourself, try to identify what situation or person triggered these thoughts. Think through the exact thoughts you had and make a mental list of how those thoughts made you feel. Try to come up with any evidence that supports this negative thought—and even if you did make a mistake (as we all do), try to reframe the thought in a more positive way.[8]
- For example, you may think that you’re stupid because you missed an easy answer on a test. Instead of using that error as proof that you’re not an intelligent or good person, consider that missing that answer will ensure you remember it for next time.
- “It may also be helpful to match each event or thought that supports the belief that you are a failure with an equally valid time when you were a success,” suggests licensed psychologist Dr. Catherine Boswell. Did you ace a difficult test last quarter? Did you get a more challenging question correct despite missing the “easier” one?
- Boswell also emphasizes the importance of “noticing the storyline or narrative that contributes to the notion of being a failure, then reality checking that narrative: Is it really about who you are here-and-now, or is it an old and potentially inaccurate story?”
- Consider what you learned from analyzing, challenging, and reframing that negative thought. Did it make a difference in how you’re feeling? Keep in mind that this process may take a few tries to work.
Keep a journal of all of the deepest, darkest, and most scathing thoughts you have about yourself and your life. Don’t worry about penmanship, grammar, if you sound whiny or dumb, or any other superficial concerns about your writing—write exactly how and what you feel. Then, rip it all up![9]
- Promise yourself from the beginning that you won’t read what you write and will rip up the paper immediately afterward.
- This way, you’ll hopefully feel less self-conscious about what you write and be capable of a more cathartic journaling session.
Your negative self-talk may be worsened if the people close to you are unkind to you or bully you. Take some time to learn about what it means to be a good friend or partner, then assess if the people in your life meet those standards (or are at least trying to).[10]
- For example, a good friend should be trustworthy, honest, dependable, and supportive of you during both good times and bad. Friends should be non-judgemental about your choices and demonstrate that they care about your well-being.[11]
- Similarly, a good partner should communicate with you, listen to your needs and concerns, show empathy and respect toward you, and give you affection in the way you ask for it.[12]
- Feel free to set boundaries with anyone in your life that’s not supporting your well-being.
- If someone is truly being toxic or abusive to you, it may be time to walk away from the relationship altogether.
Comparing yourself to others is a great way to keep yourself feeling inferior. Whether you’re comparing yourself to people on social media, passersby on the street, or even your loved ones, the comparison habit is only going to hurt you.[13]
- Remember that you are only comparing yourself to your perception of what that person is like—everyone has their own struggles, strengths, and weaknesses, just like you.
- Instead of comparing yourself to others, try comparing your present self to your past self. Take a moment to appreciate how far you’ve come!
Making mistakes is a normal part of life, and the best thing you can do is to learn from them and move on. But that’s easier said than done, so start by trying to adopt a growth mindset. Remind yourself that abilities and identities aren’t fixed—you are always capable of change and growth with enough time and effort.[14]
- If you find yourself in a cycle of constantly ruminating on past mistakes, Marriage & Family therapist Samantha Fox advises that you “take a moment to find the feeling you have in your physical body around this experience, connect to it (as uncomfortable as it might be) and become curious as to what might happen if you weren’t ruminating.”
- “It’s likely that the rumination is a part of you that is protecting you from making the same blunder again by keeping it fresh and alive,” continues Fox.
- “Try validating the feeling,” instructs Fox, “asking it if there is anything more it needs you to know, and then thanking it for trying to protect you from repeating the same mistake and embarrassment.”
- As Fox goes on to explain, you need to “let this part of you know that you learned from the experience and, while you deeply appreciate its protective reminders, you will be ok and can it please take a few steps back and let you function from yourself.”
When you feel stuck in a negativity loop about yourself and your life, Boswell suggests examining “the specific areas in which you feel the most dissatisfied.” Focusing on the specifics, Boswell continues, “gets you out of the all-or-nothing thinking that holds you in overwhelm and helps you avoid the magnitude of thinking you must fix your whole life.”
- Make a list of specific areas of your life where you’re struggling or feeling disappointed, then “select one or two to work on before tackling the others,” says Boswell.
- Boswell recommends starting small “with the solutions that are easiest so that you avoid discouragement, or with the solutions that will provide the most significant change.”
- For example, you may want to pick up a new hobby and also develop a better support system. While you can start taking small steps to build a support system, it may be easier to focus on the simpler goal of learning a new hobby for now.
Take out a blank piece of paper or open a journal and write a list of all the things you like about yourself. Hang the page somewhere where you’ll see it often—like your bathroom mirror or the dashboard of your car—to remind yourself of the many excellent qualities you have.[15]
- Licensed clinical psychologist Jennifer Guttman, PsyD, recommends “writing daily self-affirmations that reflect your sense of self. For example, write statements that reflect your integrity, loyalty, generosity, perspective, honesty, etc.”
- If you feel yourself getting stuck on coming up with your positive attributes, return to the list at a later date when you’re feeling more positively about yourself.
- You can also “ask friends, family, or a therapist about your strengths and successes and write them down so you can review them frequently,” suggests Boswell.
Keep a list of every success, victory, or positive event that occurs in your life.[16]
For each item you add to your list, reward yourself with something you enjoy—like “getting a massage, taking yourself to the movies, buying yourself flowers, or going to a sporting event,” suggests Guttman.
- In addition to your list, Guttman also advises “writing daily self-affirmations that reflect tasks you completed,” advises Guttman.
- For example, you could write an affirmation like “I presented to a major client at work today—I am competent, confident, and brave” or “I folded my laundry today—I can take care of myself even if it takes small steps to do so.”
- It’s important to “tangibly self-reinforce a job well done,” argues Guttman. “Don’t wait for the outside world to reinforce your successes—you are the best judge of your performance, so you should take charge of reinforcing yourself.”
Find an active activity that you genuinely enjoy, whether that’s dancing, running, taking long walks, or swimming laps. Avoid using exercise as a means to punish yourself, but rather embrace it as a joyful experience that benefits your overall health.[17]
- Practice mindful meditation to help you be more focused in the present moment and gain some perspective on your life.
- Get started by taking just two minutes to breathe deeply. Sit alone in a distraction-free space and focus completely on your breath, body, and current emotions. Try doing this exercise several times a day.
Focusing your attention on the activities and people that you love can help you better connect with yourself. If you’re not sure what those things are, then figuring out what you love is just as good![18]
- Try taking an interesting class, scheduling time in your week for a creative hobby, or making a standing phone appointment with a long-distance friend.
Forgive yourself for any past mistakes you’ve made and even for being too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself when you mess up—speak to yourself as you’d speak to a loved one who did the same thing. Remember that healing can be a slow road, and it’s not linear, so be patient with yourself as you work on your self-criticism habit. [19]
- Practice self-compassion by writing a mock letter to your best friend. Describe what you love about them and what your advice is on a situation they’ve been struggling with.
- Re-read the letter after you’ve finished it, but change your best friend’s name to your own.
- Consider these questions: Does it feel strange to talk to yourself in a kind and compassionate way? How do you think it would feel if you talked to yourself like that all the time?
Over time, improving your overall confidence can improve your sense of self-worth and make you less hard on yourself. Guttman provides some expert examples of how to overcome your feelings of inferiority, such as “facing a fear daily to tackle something you felt you couldn’t do…This can be as small as making a phone call or looking someone in the eye or as large as speaking in front of an audience of 150.”
- “Make decisions on your own without opinion shopping,” Guttman offers as another method to improve your self-esteem. “We often delegate decisions to others, which undermines our confidence.”
- “Making decisions builds confidence,” continues Guttman, “in showing yourself that many positive outcomes occur and that you also have the ability to cope with less than positive outcomes should they occur.”
- Another step toward building self-worth is “writing daily self-affirmations to remind yourself not to fall into a negativity bias about yourself and your actions,” says Guttman.
- Guttman defines self-affirmations as “statements you make about yourself that demonstrate pride in your ability and actions. Use the affirmations to balance your view of yourself and to help you build evidence of successes and, in turn, build confidence. Review the affirmations you have written in the past weekly.”
If you’ve made a habit of being hard on yourself, it can be difficult to put an end to that negative thinking on your own. You may need (and want) support to help you be kinder to yourself. Find a licensed mental health professional in your area that can help you to be less hard on yourself.[20]
- If you suspect that your harsh inner critic comes from childhood trauma or other specific experiences, it may be worth looking into a therapist who specializes in these issues.

Categories: How to
Source: HIS Education

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