FOR most parents, the idea of giving up their child is unbearable. But for Ian* and Rachael Meade* it was their only option.
For years, they dreamed of being parents, but they couldn’t get pregnant, so they decided to adopt.
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Ian* and Rachael Meade* adopted brothers Freddie*, eight, and Finn*, four, in 2014.
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But eight years later, the couple had to make the painful decision to return Freddie to their care
Therefore, they were delighted when they brought home brothers Freddie (8) and Finn (4) in 2014.
But eight years later, the fairy tale turned into a nightmare and the couple had to make the heartbreaking decision to return Freddie to their care.
Today, Rachael, 49, talks about why she was forced to resort to the biggest taboo…
The beginning of the fairy tale
We were in our early forties with successful careers and were overjoyed to finally settle down as a family.
I’ve never been one to deal with babies so I was happy to adopt the two older boys.
We were told that the boys were neglected by their alcoholic parents and their father was abusive. They were in care for 18 months.
A few weeks after they moved in, we received a long form listing some of the incidents involving the police and social workers.
I remember being surprised at the time that we didn’t get more information because some of the details seemed sketchy.
But our social workers insisted that this is how it is always done. Those first years were full, but also a lot of fun.
The boys’ self-confidence grew. Finn loved being on the back of my husband’s bike.
It was amazing to them that I, a woman, was driving our car, and mom said that she had never seen children get so excited about even the smallest gifts.
There were bumps in the road, but we found the mischief to be exactly what you would expect from two little boys who have had many ups and downs in life.
We had regular visits from our social worker and they told us that we were doing great.
We raised a few concerns about the fact that Freddie told a lot of lies, but we were told it was nothing to worry about.
Early worries
But Freddie became a handful. Besides lying all the time, he was quite hyperactive and erratic.
He would act like a much younger child, throwing tantrums over any type of food except junk food and on top of that, he would tie shoelaces. He would spit on other children and urinate in public.
And as time went on, we began to realize that not everything we were told was true.
For example, the boys did not “do well at school” – Freddie could barely read. Of course, as parents, we did everything we could to help them.
We persevered through tears and tantrums over spelling homework and spent hours helping Freddie with his reading in hopes that he would catch up with his peers.
But things didn’t settle down and when Freddie started high school, it got worse.
His behavior at home suddenly became very confrontational. I would drive home from work dreading the latest conflict: he would hurt his little brother or break things in the house.
This caused friction between my husband and I as we tried all sorts of parenting techniques to make our home life happier, but nothing seemed to work.
Worrying behavior
We began to notice that, unlike his younger brother, Freddie had no empathy. If he wanted something, he would go and get it, even if it involved stealing.
He stole all the tips from the local coffee shop, £60 from my purse and even bits and pieces from his grandparents’ house.
When we confronted him, it was clear that he didn’t care about the impact of his actions on people.
Around the same time, he began exhibiting strange sexual behavior. I caught him peeking at me under the partition in the unisex pool changing room.
Then he started watching me do yoga at 6.30am – a strange time for a teenager to be awake.
I would hear it outside the bathroom while I was on the toilet and my underwear would disappear from the drawer or I would find it ripped.
I remember that at one point I realized that he uses every hug as an excuse to run his hands over my chest.
When I asked him why he stole my underwear, he said it was because he was mad at me.
A terrifying discovery
Freddie was now 14 and one day he was being very secretive with his phone so my husband checked it after he went to bed.
There was a secretly obtained video of me, naked, in the bathroom. We could see that this video was sent to at least one of Freddie’s friends.
Freddie just couldn’t grasp the gravity of what he had done. It was “a bit of fun” for him.
I would hear it outside the bathroom while I was on the toilet and my underwear would disappear from my drawer
Rachael Meade*
The social worker advised us not to report the incident to the police as they said it was not in Freddie’s best interests, but this meant there was no protection for me as a victim of a sexual crime.
Freddie is assigned as a youth justice worker whose role is to work with young people who are at risk of criminal behaviour.
She concluded that he was unlikely to offend again because he had told her he was sorry for what he had done. But after the sessions he would admit to us that he turned on the charm to get what he wanted.
He continued to steal my underwear as before.
Desperate measures
Desperate, we looked for respite care to rest, but were told none were available.
We had to lock up our money to stop Freddie from stealing it and keep a constant eye on Freddie to stop him from hurting his little brother.
He was very jealous of Finn and played rough games. I once took a photo of Finn’s back looking like he had a really bad bike accident — just “playing” with Freddie.
Freddie kicked the dog when she disobeyed him and was particularly fond of breaking garden ornaments and furniture.
I think the discovery came about not because we wanted Freddie back into foster care, but because he wanted it.
We told his social worker for months that we couldn’t go on, but it wasn’t until he said he didn’t like our life at home either that she agreed to find foster care for him.
We had weekend meetings, but they were miserable.
We thought going into foster care would make him realize what he’d lost, but instead he bragged about getting £60 a week to go to school and being allowed to spend all evenings and weekends on his Xbox, putting on weight quickly.
It was different from his life with us, where privileges were earned.
We were frustrated that no one seemed to be helping him to be a better person.
He made baseless false accusations against me, to try to get out of trouble he was in at school. The police dismissed it, but it was the final straw.
Back to normal
While the complaint was investigated, we had no contact with him and, for the first time in years, we were happy.
I could relax at home without fear of being a target. My relationship with my husband was great again, and even Finn seemed to be finally thriving with real attention from mommy and daddy.
We felt we owed Freddie another chance so we wrote him a letter saying we could only have a relationship if he tried to change. We never heard from him again.
Finn is a ray of sunshine in our lives, we love him unconditionally.
Freddie, on the other hand, almost cost us everything.
It is scandalous that there are hundreds of adoptive families in crisis like ours. I’ve heard horror stories far worse than mine.
Freddie’s life will spiral out of control when he leaves foster care and I worry that the danger to our family is not over.
*Names have been changed.
How to adopt in the UK
Here are the steps for adopting a child, as described by First4Adoption, which is a national information service for people looking to adopt a child in England.
Pre-phase one – Research
Before you apply for adoption, you should read about the process and talk to experts who have already been through it.
First stage – initial checks and registration
To qualify to adopt a child, you must first apply to an agency you feel comfortable with.
You will then need to pass some background checks and get some references as part of the assessment process.
Second phase – training and assessment
A social worker will then work with you to assess your situation in order to make a report to the Adoption Commission so that you can be accepted as a potential parent.
The third stage – Connecting with the real child
Your agency will work with local authorities to find the right child for you.
At this stage, the suitability of the situation for the child and you will be discussed, and the appropriate committee will make the final decision.
The fourth phase – Moving in
You will be able to have a series of visits with your child and invite them for short stays to make the transition as comfortable as possible.
You will not be alone in the process because a social worker will be on hand to help you.
After some time, you can apply to become the child’s legal parent.
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Rachael, 50, says: ‘Freddie almost cost us everything’ Credit: Getty
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Source: HIS Education