AFTER the first series of Clarkson’s Farm aired, I went to lunch with a farmer friend who said: “If you want a story for the next series, try to get planning permission for something.”
I was a bit confused and asked what he meant by “something”. “Anything,” he replied. “It’s not important. Because I guarantee you will be rejected.”
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Opening a restaurant on a farm was unexpectedly difficult due to municipal rules and bureaucracy. Credits: Free for editorial use
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The application was for a small restaurant on a farm, not the noisy Studio 54 Credit: Getty – Contributor
He explained that farmers will soon lose grants and subsidies from the EU, and the Government has told them to make up for this deficit by diversifying. Converting their barns into gyms or shops. Stuff like that.
“But if a farmer tries to do that, his local council will say no,” he said.
Oh, how right he was. I came home and asked for a building permit to turn the building that was already there into a restaurant.
A restaurant that would serve beef, lamb, beer and potatoes that we grow on the farm.
And it was like I was asking permission to build Studio 54.
As my farmer friend had predicted, the council went wild and did everything in its power to stop me.
And it wasn’t just a restaurant. They even pointed their guns at my little farm shop, firing shots so strong that even today I am not allowed to sell my own farm books there.
Eventually I had enough and went to the man who was in charge of UK planning rules at the time, Michael Gove.
I knew him a little and I just wanted to have a chat so I could let him know that local councils are kicking ass.
Clarkson’s Farm star Kaleb Cooper is discovering exciting new showbiz gigs away from the doctor who made him famous
It turned out to be more than just a conversation. At the meeting there was a very impressive Kemi Badenoch and numerous government officials who listened to my half-formed thoughts and were polite.
But when I left, I thought absolutely nothing was going to happen. Because it never does anything.
Talking to Vlad is like talking to a mountain.
However, it turned out that someone at that meeting not only listened, but also sympathized, because now the Prime Minister himself announced the reduction of bureaucracy so that it would be much easier for farmers to open agricultural stores and sports facilities.
He has to move fast though because he will be leaving soon.
And in its place we’ll have a tribe of barely coherent oddballs who think the countryside should be one big open space for the cagouley Kumbaya brigade and that instead of buying locally grown food from local stores, we should import all the avocados and quinoa we need from South America and sell them at artisan health food shops in Islington.
The plot will not deceive us
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Labour’s plan to stop fox hunting seems well timed. Credit: Getty
I was joking just the other day that in the Tony Blair era the Labor Party floated the idea of banning fox hunting whenever there was some unpleasant news they wanted to bury.
And blow me with a pen. No sooner had we heard that antisemitism was still rife in Labor than the shadow environment secretary stood up and said that if Labor were elected . . . will ban fox hunting. Again.
They’ll probably ban witch-dunks, cattle rustling and drunk driving after that.
Break the cycle of crime
This week WE were told that violent gangs of thieves in London are now targeting cyclists.
Pushing them off their bikes and then turning the pedals. This seemed strange to me.
I can see why they would want to steal a watch or a phone because they are expensive items. But why steal a bike?
I’ve done a bit of research and it appears that one of the bikes that was stolen is something called a Pinarello and it sells, new, for £15,000.
The best way to make sure your bike isn’t stolen is this: don’t have it
Jeremy Clarkson
Fifteen grand for a bike? How is that even possible?
I appreciate you can spend £300,000 on a car, but at least it will be faster and better looking than something that costs £30,000.
But the bike will always be as fast as the rider’s legs are.
And bicycles are like milk bottles. They all look exactly the same.
Regardless, the cyclists are very angry – in my experience cyclists are always angry about something – and have called in more police officers to patrol the streets.
Why? So I can stand there with my hands in my pockets while the thieves pedal.
Same as when they are faced with some pink herbert stuck to the road.
The best way to make sure your bike isn’t stolen is this: don’t have it.
Sue well, I just can’t help myself
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If you follow the American trend of suing for frivolous reasons, you could compile a long list Credit: Alamy
AN American man has sued the owner of a variety of dating apps, claiming they were designed to be addictive in order to maximize profits.
Law. And if it’s successful, I’m going to sue Cadbury for making their Fruit & Nut bar so over the top that I’m never satisfied with a single piece.
I absolutely have to have another one. And then ten more. And then I’m going to sue Branston Pickle.
And then I’ll pay attention to Guy Ritchie, because every time I sit down to watch something on television, I always say, “It’s been a week, so I think I’ll watch The Gentlemen again.”
Oh no. It’s really true. Just days after the call to administrators, the Body Shop began closing its branches across the country.
So where do I get my satsuma body butter now? And my carrot moisturizer? And my tea tree oil?
I guess I’ll have to go back to the old days of using soap and water and accepting the fact that old people are supposed to look like scrotums.
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I don’t expect a rush for Dacia’s new fully electric vehicle.
LITERALLY nobody ran around screaming with joy at the news that Dacia, the Romanian car manufacturer, was set to launch an all-electric car priced at just £16,000.
Equipped with a motor that’s much more powerful than the one you’ll find in the Magimix, it has a range of several hundred yards and is £10,000 less than its next-cheapest rival, the Chinese MG4.
Yes, but it’s £16,000 more expensive than walking. Which is probably the best alternative.
Taking a dim look
EARLIER this week, we read about a driving instructor who had to be rescued from a flooded car by two passers-by, because firefighters and ambulance drivers at the scene of the accident are not allowed to wade deeper than the waist.
Of course, there was a huge uproar and everyone said it was another example of the health and safety craze.
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Trapped driving instructor had to be rescued from flooded Ford Credit: Stephen Huntley
Hmmm. I’m not really sure, because I saw the actual footage and I have a bigger question.
What kind of driving instructor is happily running into the flood?
He told his “rescuers” that he did not dare to go out because he would sink. Perhaps not noticing that the rescuers were not sinking, and neither was his 1.5-ton car.
He was eventually lured into crotch-deep water and after wading ashore, was taken to hospital where he was diagnosed with “wet pants”.
So yes, this is an example of stupid health and safety rules, but it’s also a reminder that some people are really stupid.
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education