WHEN Phillip Schofield announced on morning television that he was gay, everyone gathered to say how brave he was.
But when it was revealed that he was actually doing gay things, he was fired, fired, disemboweled and swept into the bin of history labeled “disgraced aging TV stars”.
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Phillip Schofield took to a deserted island for a new Channel 5 documentary
I was actually quite angry about it, so even though I don’t know him very well, I called him and we had a long chat.
It was like talking to a completely broken man because he saw no way back.
So I was delighted to hear this week that he had succeeded.
He was on a small island with only a camera for company and made a kind of heartwarming documentary that will be broadcast on Channel 5 next week.
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My delight turned to horror as I learned that a small island is located near Madagascar in the Indian Ocean.
And when I visited a small island near Madagascar a few years ago, it was overrun with German paedos, and my hotel reception was littered with signs telling guests they couldn’t take children back to their rooms.
I thought Channel 5 screwed him up.
However, luckily, they didn’t.
He was on another island. Let the island go.
And looking at the pictures, I couldn’t help but think: Hmmm. Couldn’t we all satisfy such a break?
Cast Away is Phillip Schofield’s ‘mea culpa moment’ and viewers will see him at rock bottom – but this wrong move could derail his comeback, says expert
Sorry for the change of direction, but right now the world seems very unstable.
Ukraine shows no signs of improvement, and the situation with Israel looks like it might actually get worse.
Almost all of North Africa is a no-go zone, America is descending into insanity and, without wishing to sound like Enoch Powell, I see Europe facing some serious immigration issues in the near future.
So everything is very bleak on the world stage and things are not so bad at home as our new government is definitely going to destroy our economy in the coming years.
Undoubtedly, then, many of you will be thinking that maybe you too would like to bury your head in the sand on some faraway island until the dust settles and things (hopefully) return to normal.
I’m not sure Phillip Schofield would work though.
While it may be far enough away to escape all the unpleasantness of a nuclear holocaust, it is too hot and infested with mosquitoes.
For this same reason, all the tropical Robinson Crusoe islands are out.
Svalbard, up there to the North Pole, looks better.
But actually it’s too cold and there are too many polar bears.
I would like to recommend Tristan Da Cunha.
‘THE MOST REMOTE PLACE ON EARTH’
Located in the Atlantic about halfway between Africa and South America, it is the most remote inhabited place on earth.
And when I say remote, the islanders didn’t even know that World War I had started until a year after it ended.
And when I say inhabited, there are only 250 inhabitants.
There is one shop. One beer. And one policeman.
Can you move there? Well, even though it’s a British overseas territory and has a British postcode, it’s not easy.
But it is possible.
They always need a teacher and a doctor, for example. And you can also get a temporary visa that would last “until Starmer fucks off”.
Under normal circumstances, if I were to suggest that you fly to a rock in the South Atlantic for the next few years, you’d say “no thanks”.
But after the Labor Party conference this week, I bet some of you will now be calling Channel 5 asking: “How do I sign up?”
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Jeremy would like to hide on Tristan da Cunha – a remote island in the Atlantic Ocean
OBSERVE STRICT RESTRICTIONS
Oh dear.
This week we learned that the viewing figures for Strictly Come Dancing are in freefall.
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Just 6.7 million watched Strcitly last week, when Toyah Willcox and Neil Jones took to the podiumCredit: BBC
They fell from a high of 10.2 million in 2020 to just 6.7 million last week, when Toyah Willcox and Neil Jones took to the floor.
And now everyone at the BBC is running around, waving their hands in the air and wondering what to do.
Well, here’s an idea.
Every time I turn on the BBC (which isn’t that often, I must admit), there’s a chat show featuring a guest urging viewers to watch their new drama on Netflix, Amazon or Apple.
You don’t get that in a normal job.
The counter staff at McDonald’s, for example, never say they should get curry or pizza next week.
SCENE UNSEEN
In his column in The Sun this week, Piers Morgan said that he and I were at a pub party in Oxfordshire last weekend.
He went on to say that everyone else in the pub garden was watching our presence with a mixture of fascination and excitement.
And in some cases, repulsion.
Well, I don’t want to sound like a queen here, but memories may differ.
Because what I noticed was that no one else in the pub even noticed we were there.
THINK YOU CAN DO ART? PARK THAT IDEA
IT’S that time of year when people with hairy armpits and verbal diarrhea gather to talk nonsense about art.
And this, one of the hot favorites for the legendary Turner Prize, is a Ford Escort covered in a giant towel.
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A Ford Escort covered in a giant liner is one of the favorites for the Turner Prize Credit: Getty
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Big Blue by Damien Hirst Credit: Alamy
Many will, of course, say: “I could have done it”.
True. But you didn’t.
The same way you’ve never pickled a shark.
Or deliver your unmade bed. You were too busy working for a living.
PUBLIC OATH MAX
AFTER he used the “F” word during the official press conference at last week’s Singapore Grand Prix, championship boss Max Verstappen was ordered by officials to do, quote, “a matter of public interest”.
At first glance, this sounds like he has to spend his day picking up trash or giving speeches to hard-working families in the community.
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Max Verstappen swore during a press conference last weekCredit: Getty
But think about it.
We are the public, so what would we really care to see?
I’d really like to see if he can ride a pig. Or eat a hundred baked green beans in a minute.
Or do a wing walk dressed as Batman.
If I knew Max, which I don’t, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find him going along with this, and next week serving his sentence by drinking a bottle of vodka standing on his head.
TOTALLY STUCK? YOU CAN BET
IN 2022, I raced into town on the day of the Grand National to place my bet, only to find the local bookies closed.
So I got home and after just an hour of swearing and trying to read that smudged number on the back of my debit card, I was able to deposit some funds and open an account online.
Great. Well done, me.
But the next year, when I tried to bet, I couldn’t remember which online bookmakers I had used.
I visited all the sites, tried various possible passwords and ended up missing the boat.
The national started without me.
In the following months I tried to find out who had my money, but just this week I heard from Betfred that it was them and that they were going to confiscate it if I didn’t spend it soon or remove it.
Does anyone know my password? Anyone?
I have 24 days left. . .
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education