Jill Duggar Accuses Her Father Jim Bob of Treating Her ‘Worse’ Than Her Brother Josh (Exclusive Book Excerpt)

Jill Duggar Dillard is standing up for herself in her new book.

In his memoirs, Cost calculationJill, 32, is speaking out about her experiences amid the controversy 19 Children and counting the reality TV family in which she was raised. Among the book’s most explosive revelations is how she and her husband, Derick Dillard, clashed with family patriarch Jim Bob Duggar, accusing him of financial improprieties in the way he shared (or didn’t share) money from the show with family members whose lives were documented on the screen.

In the exclusive excerpt from the book below, Jill describes the moment during counseling when the conflict reached a boiling point. In the excerpt, Jill compares the way Jim Bob treated her to the way he treated her oldest brother, Josh Duggar, who abused her and several of her siblings when they were younger and has now served for more than 12 years prison on charges of downloading and possessing images of child sexual abuse.

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Jim Bob and his wife, Michelle Duggar, released a statement to PEOPLE, saying, “We love all of our children very much. As with any family, few things are more painful than conflicts or problems between those you love. … We don’t believe that the best way to resolve conflict, facilitate forgiveness and reconciliation, or communicate through difficulties through the media or in a public forum, so we will not comment.”

Counting the Costs, Jill Duggar.

Jill Duggar/Scott Enlow

Here is an exclusive excerpt from Jill Duggar Cost calculationwhich will be published on September 12:

“I’m sorry it took so long for this meeting to happen,” I said. My voice trembled a little and I felt my breath catch in my lungs. “Some very painful things happened, so we wanted to resolve it all. For a good discussion together. We love you all and I know we all hope that we can restore family relationships very soon.”

During the time I was talking, Pops’ body language changed. He was no longer smiling from the video and the girl outside. Instead, he sat very still, lips pursed, eyes fixed in a scowl carved into the rock. “That letter you sent us.”

He stopped, as if lost and didn’t know where to go. He looked at his mom. She looked at me.

There was no frown on her face, no folded arms. Just a look full of pain. The pain of a mother torn apart by her baby.

“It was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever read.”

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Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar.

Peter Kramer/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal via Getty

Her voice was soft, but her words hit me harder than anything she had ever said to me.

I knew he was right, that he was telling the truth. I didn’t know exactly how I messed up, but I knew I did. I would have hurt her and my dad, and that was never my intention.

I heard Derick trying to explain that we never wanted the letter to be taken that way. I looked at Pops. He was still frowning.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “We love you all and could use more attention. We wrote the letter together and we hoped it would help us explain our feelings, but I know we kept adding to it and then we got tired and decided it was better to send it…”

My voice trailed off as I tried to find the right words. But dad didn’t listen to me. He had his own list of things he wanted to talk about.

“You texted me, Jill. You said I was verbally abusing you. I was also very offended by that. You know in your heart that it’s not right. Are you going to apologize for that?”

Now I was nervous. I remembered the message, I remembered that I had sent it in the hope that it might wake my dad up to how bad I felt that things had become, to maybe get him to give us some space and let things calm down. I wrote about not wanting to be verbally abused, which was exactly how I felt at the time. I also felt it in El Salvador. I wasn’t sure if I could apologize for that. I glanced at Derick as I was speechless.

Jill Duggar and Derick Dillard.

Larsen & Talbert

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Pops must have sensed what I was thinking, because he suddenly stood up. “You’re not going to apologize? Really?”

His voice was loud, and there was an edge in it that I rarely heard. The moderator looked pale and was stuck on mute. Derick tensed up and I felt him getting ready to jump. I squeezed his hand, hoping he would get the message.

Hold back. Please be quiet. Don’t let this get any worse than it already is.

We were facing each other from opposite couches, an open space between us. Pops stepped towards me, closing the gap.

It was not a gesture of reconciliation.

It was an act of aggression.

He towered over me, his entire body ablaze with rage. My face turned red. My eyes filled with tears.

Then there was a long, horrible silence that I wanted to fill but couldn’t yet.

Derick’s hand shook in mine, and I squeezed it tighter than ever, desperate for him to keep his mouth shut.

“You know why you’re crying, right? Your conscience speaks to you. Because.”

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Pops voice was so loud in my ears. His words were like blows. I instinctively tried to protect myself and block him. I curled up in the seat, trying to find safety in some sort of fetal position.

“You are guilty!” Dad yelled, jabbing his finger at me, standing right over me.

Mom started crying.

Derick tried to speak, but I pulled him away.

“You want to know why I’m crying?” My voice was broken, my eyes were burning. “It’s that you think I’m some kind of horrible person just because I’m wearing pants and have an earring in my nose, and yet you see that girl out there and praise her. That’s why I’m crying, dad. I’m evolving and changing, just like that girl out there, but you don’t see it. You treat me like I’m a spendthrift who has turned her back on you. You treat me worse than my pedophile brother.”

From COUNTING THE COST Jill Duggar with Derick Dillard and Craig Brolase. Copyright 2023 Jill Duggar and Derick Dillard. Reprinted by permission of Gallery Books, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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