The cult sitcom Malcolm in the Middle, which follows middle child Malcolm and his dysfunctional family, is full of wacky and wonderful characters in and outside of the Wilkerson family. They all possess some traits that would see them do well at Hogwarts: Reese’s mischievous streak and willingness to challenge authority would see him be popular with certain other troublemaking students, while Malcolm would be well at home in Hogwarts’ library. although perhaps in the restricted section.
While the characters in Malcolm in the Middle exist very much in the real world (albeit one packed with chaotic adventures and scrapes), if they were to make a foray into magic, perhaps for the boys as a means of raising the stakes of their pranks, this is where the Sorting Hat would place them.
Lois – Gryffindor
The Wilkerson matriarch Lois is fierce, independent, and one of television’s biggest Karens. Her brashness and unreserved forthright can embarrass her family at times. However, on many occasions, it has enabled her to stand up for what is right, such as when she stands up to Reese’s teacher who wants to move him into the dumb class to get rid of him, and when she helps to keep all the employees calm during an armed hold-up at the Lucky Aide supermarket.
Lois would thrive in Gryffindor because courage and a willingness to speak one’s mind are archetypal traits among other red-and-gold house members. She also had a difficult childhood, having been raised by controlling and unkind parents that are not dissimilar to Harry Potter’s aunt and uncle Dursley. Lois’ ferocious confidence is an asset if put to good use.
Malcolm – Ravenclaw
Malcolm is by far the least impulsive and most academic of the Wilkerson boys (and of the whole family). A studious bookworm, he is so intelligent that he is moved into a class for gifted students and later gets into Harvard University. He is also revealed to have an IQ of 165, which is extremely high.
Malcolm spends a lot of his time alone and is teased at school; he is even excluded by his brothers, Reese and Dewey, at times. Despite this, he maintains a circle of like-minded friends and is well-liked, similar to Cho Chang and some of the other notable, less-eccentric Ravenclaws. Although his parents place a lot of pressure on him — they want him to be President of the United States — in the end, it pushes him to attend Harvard rather than accept a high-paying (yet dull) job right away.
Hal – Hufflepuff
Hal, like his sons, is rather immature and likes to have fun and become engrossed in projects. While he is not particularly successful in his career, he does put a lot of effort into certain ventures that he deems of high importance. For example, when a speeding sports car races through their neighborhood in “Halloween Approximately,” Hal undertakes an all-night stakeout in an attempt to catch the culprit. When his stakeout is unsuccessful, he decides to mix his own cement and build a speed bump.
Despite this fixation on trivial annoyances, Hal is typically an easy-going and kind man. He is also loyal; he married Lois against the wishes of his family. And in “Francis Escapes.” he sneakily drove Francis back to school so that Lois wouldn’t find out that he escaped.
Reese – Slytherin
Aside from Lois, Reese is the family’s primary tormentor. He punches himself in the face to make it look like Malcolm beat him up, completely disregards authority, and actively antagonizes his parents and teachers. He is also the most impulsive of the boys. As he tells Malcolm, “You know I don’t think things through.”
For his occasional redeeming attributes, Reese is ultimately a bully, and viewers would likely not find it hard to picture him in green and black robes alongside infamous Slytherin students Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. Reese is impulsive, lacks empathy, and has a fondness for destroying things. While these traits are not emblematic of Slytherin as a whole, they definitely align with this house more than any other.
Dewey – Ravenclaw
Dewey is the least antagonistic and ill-behaved of the Wilkerson boys. The youngest son (that is, until Jamie is born), Dewey is happy getting lost in his own little world, as exemplified when he wanders off and chases a red balloon for hours. Luna Lovegood, a fellow Ravenclaw and one of Harry Potter‘s best characters, would undoubtedly be a kindred spirit.
Dewey frequently demonstrates eccentric behavior and a detachment from reality, such as when he hears voices in his head while feeding Craig’s cats. However, he also has a creative streak, shown through his skilled piano playing and the sprawling Lego city that he built. This introversion and intelligence would see Dewey fit in alongside some other eccentric and notable Ravenclaws.
Stevie – Ravenclaw
Malcolm’s best friend Stevie Kenarban is just as intelligent as his friend and is a fellow student in the gifted “Krelboyne” class. He has very conservative and overbearing parents and the family values academic achievement, something many Ravenclaws regarded highly too. Stevie is unassuming and quiet, though is deemed eccentric by his peers due to his extreme asthma, which causes him to take a deep breath every few words. He would certainly be most at home in the house of blue and bronze.
Francis – Gryffindor
When Hal and Lois’ eldest son Francis is home, he is the leader of the siblings’ alliance against their mother and encourages them to disobey her commands. He is not particularly academic or hard-working, but is brave and resourceful, spearheading the majority of their pranks, such as the Halloween slingshot contraption that they use to fling various substances at unwitting passersby.
Francis’ leadership skills, readiness to challenge authority (including his parents and military school commandant) and loyalty and protectiveness of his siblings mean he would likely do well in Gryffindor.
Craig Feldspar – Slytherin
Craig is Lois’ irritating and creepy co-worker at Lucky Aide. He has a very obsessive personality, which is demonstrated through his infatuation with Lois. He keeps candid photos of her and has little dolls of the two of them in a box under his bed. He edges his way into the family business and has some nerdy hobbies, such as comic books and D&D.
Craig is hard to place into a house because he has few if any redeeming qualities and would be unlikely to do well at Hogwarts. While he has shown a sweet side beneath his creepiness on occasion, his deception at going behind Lois’ back and taking photos of her, paired with his obsessive personality, aligns him most closely with Slytherin.
Piama – Ravenclaw
Francis’ wife Piama is (usually) a beacon of normalcy and a buffer between Francis and his mother, with whom he obviously does not get on well. She is a lot more thoughtful than other members of the Wilkerson family, and serves as the voice of reason. When she is first introduced, she butts heads with Lois, but as her character develops, it’s clear that she is much smarter than her husband and much more measured.
Like other Ravenclaws who are singled out because of being a little different, Piama has faced prejudice because of her native Alaskan heritage and appearance, including by Lois’ mother Ida and by a racist reporter. She doesn’t let this get the better of her and never backs away from a fight. Her fierce temper may be uncharacteristic of Ravenclaws, but ultimately her intelligence and contemplative approach to decision-making means she would be best placed alongside Professors Trelawney and Flitwick.
Lionel Herkabe – Slytherin
The teacher of Malcolm’s gifted class is a ruthless and cruel person. He lords control over his students, which he demonstrates when he establishes a system to rank their intelligence and pits them against each other. His teaching methods are not dissimilar to Professor Snape’s — he was even bullied as a child, just like Snape — and his impressive academic qualifications demonstrate the intensity of his ambition. All of this means he would undoubtedly fit in well in Slytherin.