Rachel Leviss Realized She Still Owes Ariana Madix an Apology After Watching VPR Premiere: ‘I Got Emotional’

Rachel “Raquel” Leviss knows her actions didn’t match her words amid the Scandal fallout.

While discussing the Vanderpump Rules season 11 premiere on the latest episode of her podcast Rachel goes rogue, Leviss addressed her decision to continue communicating with ex Tom Sandoval after Ariana Madix apologized for their affair. She noted that she still owes Madix an apology for her behavior.

“It was hard to see because I’m in a different place than I was then,” she explained watching the premiere. “It’s weirdly mistimed when you’re watching a show like this and you’re living one reality in that moment and then, months later, when the episodes air, you’re living in another reality, but you’re also reliving those moments that they caught on camera. And so it’s a nod to my younger self who was still in love and infatuated.”

Ariana Madix; Tom Sandoval; Rachel “Raquel” Leviss.

Tammie/AFF-USA/Shutterstock; Cindy Ord/Bravo via Getty Images; Charles Sykes/Bravo via Getty Images

Ariana Madix ‘definitely worried’ returning to scene of scandalous crime in VPRpremiere (exclusive)

“I feel that, with my apology that I gave at the reunion, I had the right intentions and I was very sorry,” she added. “But there’s another part of an apology, and that’s your actions afterward — they have to be consistent with what you say. And having sent him letters and been in touch for quite some time, I still want to take this time to say sorry again because I am in a different place than I was then, and now I can see things much more clearly. ”

Leviss said she wants to take “responsibility” for her actions, sharing, “I got emotional watching it. You know, like, I recognized that my behavior was very painful for her.”

The former pageant queen admitted she has mixed emotions about her decision not to return for season 11 VPR.

“I watch this show and I really have to accept the fact that I’m not on it this season, and that was a decision that I really weighed heavily in making,” she said. “I didn’t take it lightly, so it’s almost like a part of me is grieving for what could have been in another parallel timeline. But I think I made the right decision not to return.”

Rachel “Raquel” Leviss.

Charles Sykes/Bravo via Getty

‘Spiral’ Ariana Madix is ​​ready to call the cops as ex Tom Sandoval plans a Rager at their shared home

Later in the episode, Leviss said she was “just happy” not to be part of the Bravo series, adding, “I’m so happy that I’ve been able to find more peace in my life and my day-to-day is stable and as peaceful as it could be in this phase of my life, I believe. … I’m worried about things coming up this season, but I’m just happy I’m not in it like I was.”

She also shared that she doesn’t bother her ex VPR The costars call her Raquel throughout the premiere, saying, “I’m not embarrassed at all.” However, she noted that it’s actually “a little weirder” to hear people who knew her as Raquel call her Rachel after she decided to use her birth name in August.

One downside for Leviss is that she found it difficult to watch her former friend Scheana Shay on the show after the pair had an alleged violent incident last March.

Scheana Shay, Rachel “Raquel” Leviss. JC Olivera/Getty; Frazer Harrison/Getty Rachel Leviss has a ‘list of grievances’ and shares her ‘hard line’ against talking to 1 VPR Costar again

“It’s hard to see Scheana and Ariana — you know, two people I used to call friends,” she explained. “I think I have a lot more resentment towards Scheana, so I think the thorn in my side is just seeing Scheana’s face. And, you know, I’m working on that… I don’t always want to feel that way when I look at her, but I guess right now it’s not something for me comfortable.”

Despite seeing his former friends on the small screen, Leviss plans to keep watching VPRsharing, “I was on the edge of my seat [during the premiere]. But I think it’s just because this [show] been a part of my life for so long.”

Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE’s free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.

Vanderpump Rules airs Tuesdays at 8:00 PM ET on Bravo.

Categories: Trends
Source: HIS Education