When Gracie Gold achieved her most on the ice—winning a bronze medal at the 2014 Sochi Olympics and two U.S. championships in 2014 and 2016—her life off the ice was quickly dwindling.
In his revealing memoir Out of shape worthless loserout Feb. 6 from Penguin Random House, the 28-year-old skater recounts her battles with an ongoing eating disorder—she eats a tomato a day to lose weight—depression and anxiety, which only intensified after she was sexually assaulted by a fellow skater.
“’Out of shape, worthless loser’ is the name I gave to the voice in my head that made me want to disappear,” Gold tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue, out Friday.
Gold writes in her memoir that she remembers thinking, “Why should I brush my hair when I’m not going anywhere? What is the purpose? Why should I shower when the sight of my body repulses me? Why bother?” She adds: “I was slowly withdrawing from the world. No one wanted to see me. I was caught in a vicious circle.”
Olympic figure skater Gracie Gold opens up about returning to her career after mental health issues
Here, in an exclusive excerpt from Out of shape worthless loserthe figure skater writes about feeling defeated, her twin sister Carly’s attempted intervention, and the shame she felt “taking a place in the world.”
I couldn’t move on or progress because I couldn’t move out of survival mode. It was like I was offline, out of it. I think the psychological term for that is “uncoupling”. The best way I can describe it is a snow globe analogy. I could see the world outside my bubble, but I couldn’t access it. Occasionally people would tap on the glass to get my attention, but it was as if there was a barrier between us preventing them from hearing or understanding me.
I was ashamed to exist, ashamed to occupy so many places in the world. I was alone, but not alone. The mean, judgmental, sarcastic Outofshapeworthlessloser lived rent-free in my head: You didn’t mess up. You’re fat and that’s all on you. It’s your fault. No one is force-feeding you. You lack discipline. You are disgusting. Joke. You look like a potato with arms. You’re just wasting your life. If you had just killed yourself, you would never have had this problem. You wouldn’t have a problem. I will say this about Outofshapeworthlessloser: she is awfully believable.
Because of my depression, any movement was difficult, and the less active I was, the more depressed I became.
Gracie Gold (left) and her sister Carly in 2023.
Courtesy of Gracie Gold
Towards the end of spring, [my twin sister] Carly flew to Detroit for an extended weekend. She presented it as a girls’ weekend, but it was actually an intervention. I was not in good contact with her, which was shocking to everyone who knew us. We’ve been drifting apart since she retired from skating. By mid-2017, my id wanted nothing to do with her superego. At the time, I couldn’t see her establishing healthy boundaries while trying to navigate the real world, college, and social life. I just felt abandoned.
Her visit was painful for both of them. It was clear to Carly that I was seriously ill. She had heard from the coach that I wouldn’t be going to the rink, but seeing the evidence of my physical decline up close was shocking. The situation was uncertain. She waited until the last day of her visit to talk from the heart. Her basic message, as I recall, was, Gracie, can you pull yourself together, please, because mom and dad have gone off the rails?
How Gracie Gold recovered from secret depression and eating disorder: ‘I don’t think people realized how bad it was’
Find out more about Gold’s untold story in this week’s issue of PEOPLE, out Friday.
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If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, visit NationalEatingDisorders.org.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Line by dialing 988, texting “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Line at 741741 or going to 988lifeline.org.
Excerpted from OUTOFSHAPEWORTHLESSLOSER by Gracie Gold. Published by Crown, an imprint of Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © 2024 Grace Gold.
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