This post contains spoilers from Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette.
The Bachelorette’s Xavier is opening up after his final conversation with Charity Lawson.
Xavier, 27, tells PEOPLE he felt like “an open book” after facing Charity, 27, for the first time since their breakup during Monday’s Men Tell All episode.
The biomedical scientist from Ohio — whose journey on the show ended after he confessed to infidelity in a former relationship — says of the reunion with Charity, “I just feel like I am less apologetic about who I am as an individual.”
“I’m growing and still trying to figure out the things that makes Xavier unique, makes Xavier Xavier,” he continues.
Xavier also claims he “had never” shared the cheating confession with a girlfriend before Charity. “That’s literally my darkest secret,” he admits.
ABC/Craig Sjodin
During his Fantasy Suite date with Charity in Fiji, Xavier confided in her about the details of his past infidelity.
“In the past with my ex, I was unfaithful and I wanted to tell you that because I know that that is like, very triggering for you and it was disrespectful,” Xavier said to Charity. “It’s not the man that I am. I know that for marriage, you cannot do that.”
Speaking to host Jesse Palmer during their one-on-one sitdown on Monday, Xavier said it’s “kind of tough to watch back.” He explained to Palmer, “I just wanted to be so honest with her. That conversation just did not happen like I planned it to happen. And I just stuck my foot in my mouth and I made a mistake instead of making her feel like he was the only woman for me.”
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ABC/Ricky Middlesworth
Looking back, Xavier tells PEOPLE that the moment that Charity asked him what he’s “done to work on” his commitment issues was eye-opening. “I really had just never asked myself that,” he shares. “I’ve never had that kind of talk with myself.”
After realizing that, Xavier says he’s been “more introspective” about the issue.
Although he doesn’t feel “ready to date right now” — citing “still having feelings” for Charity — Xavier says he’s “hopeful” he’ll find love in the future.
“I really want to find love, find my forever partner, and commit myself to that,” he says.
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Craig Sjodin/ABC
During Monday’s sitdown with Palmer, Xavier explained that he was “in love with” Charity and found it “really difficult” to move on from the relationship.
“I think about our time together literally every day. So I had to get a therapist because I felt like there was some work that I had to do on myself in order to be ready for somebody that is my forever person,” he explained.
For now, Xavier’s focus will be on finishing his PhD and as he tells PEOPLE, “Moving on to the things that are meant for me.”
As he returns back to regular life after this journey, Xavier says, “I felt like I truly gave it my all, and sometimes you come up short.”
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