ALL-singing and all-dancing John Barrowman exited public life this week, but not with the fanfare and applause he probably would have liked.
But with a puddle of vomit at his feet and the words “bag of shit” ringing in his ears as he left Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins just 32 minutes after the last contestants had reached their base in New Zealand.
5
All Harder Than Soldiers on Parade and John Barrowman Disintegrates at SAS: Who Dares WinsCredits: PA
5
Barrowman knew that if there was one thing the long-suffering British would not forgive, it was giving up Credit: Erotheme
This self-styled “centre of the universe” was back on Lorraine’s ITV show the next morning trying to explain that he was “true to himself” and blah blah blah.
Barrowman knew, however, that if there was one thing the suffering British would not forgive, it was one who gave up and avoided redemption.
He disappeared. It was, then, public service of the highest and most brutal order of the SAS: WDW, a show which, to paraphrase the great Johnny Carson at the Oscars, is 45 minutes of sparkling entertainment spread over an hour.
The first clue to the 15-minute delay came, right at the beginning of this series, with the appearance of a psychologist named Alia Bojilova, who specializes in bleeding-obvious statements and who tells us that the new celebrities are: “A complicated bunch.”
READ MORE ABOUT JOHN BARROWMAN
I will say. For the “complicated”, however, you can probably guess that, with the exception of sports stars, they’re all manner of nonsensical, bone-brained public nuisances, from Boris’ steely-eyed sister Rachel Johnson to “comedian” Tez Ilyas, whose introduction asked us to “imagine smugness that would result from me if I passed this course”.
Or indeed, even if it hadn’t, because his complacency levels were radioactive long before it started.
By the way, Corbynista Tez was a member of something called the Live Comedy Association, but had to leave in 2020 because of his appalling behavior towards women.
Still, it’s somewhat surprising that neither Tez nor Barrowman, whose blitz got him canceled in 2021, are clearly the most annoying competitors at SAS: WDW.
How could they be, when there are as many as three newcomers who came through the ranks of The Only Way Is Essex — a show that, like red-necked parrots, has taken over every corner of British television, so that almost no part is now free of its screaming self-obsession.
By far the worst of them here is Bobby Norris, whose performance is somewhere between Mick Jagger and Frank Spencer, and in the brief moments when he wasn’t throwing up in a trash can he made a sound that appeared in the subtitles as, “NOEEEEEEEE.”
John Barrowman’s Honest Journey: Overcoming Difficulties and Embracing a New Beginning
He would have failed every challenge thrown at him by the SAS staff had it not been for an even bigger pain in the ass named Marnie Simpson, from Geordie Shore, who made the huge strategic mistake of chatting up the legend Colonel Billy Billingham after he lost his descent on the dam from Bobby due to the fact that she “couldn’t breathe”.
“If you talk back to me one more time,” said Billy, leaving no one in the doubt that he would act accordingly, “you’ll become an amphibian. I’m gonna throw you in the fucking water. Fucking spoiled little kid. Get your ideas up, gobs***s.”
Bone marrow
The stunned silence that followed should have won awards as you could almost hear the large crowd of spectators applauding Billy, the first man to put Marnie in her place.
However, at this point you get the feeling that the SAS guys have taken a step back, the TV people have taken over and Marnie has been called in for “interrogation” to see why she challenges authority (see earlier).
5
The self-styled ‘centre of the universe’ returned to Lorraine’s ITV show the next morning trying to explain that he was ‘true to himself’Credit: Eroteme
However, these are not the brutal encounters in SAS: WDW of the past.
They are now a shoulder to cry on and a call to action for celebrities to shake off every minor “mental health” problem in life they’ve ever suffered.
It’s exactly the kind of clichéd comfort zone, in other words, that I thought the show was meant to remove those crybabies from, and I have no idea why SAS: WDW panders to them since there’s no gaping TV market for Z-list sob stories anywhere.
Salvation through tears is the last thing needed here, really, with the ultimate goal of eliminating most of the contestants as effectively as he eliminated John Barrowman who, last time I looked, was trying to talk about his UK tour on Lorraine’s show.
“It’s me and the piano.”
There is no audience. Just John and the piano.
Random TV irritations
CHANNEL 4’s utterly disgusting Married At First Sight reduces marriage to the status of a mysterious Tipping Point counter.
The Great British Bake Off wastes 90 minutes of everyone’s time with an opening episode with no eliminations. Anyone who talks about their “love language” (shut up).
And Nightleeper’s “hero” Joe claims: “The police will be on the train in five minutes.” This is almost over.” When there are still 315 minutes left. Sadistic bastard.
GC? IT’S MUMBA JUMBA
5
GC’s episode of WDYTYA featured the usual fashionable political questions Credit: Getty
FILLING the screen like a honey diabetes monster, Gemma Collins boldly announced that last night it was time to find out: “Why I am the way I am.
“Because right now it feels like I’m from outer space.”
A development that may have ruled out the existence of intelligent life on Mars, but would definitely have made for a more interesting episode of BBC1’s Who Do You Think You Are?, which pretty much lost me when The Brentwood Behemoth revealed: “I’ve got a lot of family in Wales” and I realized that he is talking about the earth, not the animals.
The wider problem here, of course, is that, like so much else on the BBC, WDYTYA has been sacrificed to the cult of youth and fashionable political issues, such as mental health, slavery and the excesses of the British Empire, with an episode of The GC being no different.
The most interesting, in fact, was the discovery of a “schizophrenic” grandmother, on the mother’s side, and a great-grandfather “who was sick with lumba . . . jumba, help me aaaaht?”
“Lumbago.”
Almost an hour later, it emerged that, for all the accompanying miracles, Gemma’s Essex family had barely moved 20 miles down the A12, over several hundred years, after crawling out of the primeval swamp at a pace that couldn’t be better named or serviced.
“Foulness Island,” explained narrator Phil Davis, “is owned by the Department of Defense.
“It’s used for explosives testing, so access is restricted, but Gemma got a special invitation.”
And as far as I’m concerned, he can visit whenever he wants.
Great sports insights
LES FERDINAND: “Not playing well is a sign of a good team.”
Neil Warnock: “Liverpool’s midweek win was the perfect anecdote to last week’s defeat.” And Simon Thomas: “Only one word can describe the weather at King Power – absolute filth.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Unexpected morons in the packing area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The word memorandum is often shortened to what four-letter word?” Phil: “Mem.”
Bradley Walsh: “Keeping calm and being prepared for an emergency means keeping your powder on . . . ?” Namuli: “Wet.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “A word used to denote the land at the edge of the sea . . . COAST . . . is an anagram of which horse?”
Bill: “The beach.”
And my favorite answer of the week, Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “In the 1980s, Jocky Wilson, John Lowe and Keith Deller won the world championships in which indoor sport?”
Emma: “Cycling.”
TV gold
THE RETURN of BBC2’s fascinating series Parole. Ludwig on BBC1, with David Mitchell, which came to life brilliantly after 35 minutes and really should be on Sunday night.
River Cartwright’s chase scenes in the excellent Apple TV+ series Slow Horses.
Mortimer and Whitehouse nail the blueprint for all lasting middle-aged male friendships on BBC2’s Gone Fishing: Shared obsession, trivia, eighties pop nostalgia, Fast Show impressions and health concerns.
And breathless comedian Chris McCausland puts one of the judges in his place after he sent the nation into a swoon, with his partner Dianne Buswell, on Strictly Come Dancing: “Craig, I’m literally too exhausted to care.”
Lookalike of the week
5
This week’s winner is Shayne Ward on Strictly and Viz comic icon Sid The Sexist
Submitted by Arthur Godfrey of Aylesford, Kent.
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education