Bethany Joy Lenz has an emotional message to share with her parents.
The One Tree Hill The alum, 43, has been vocal about her decade-long experience with the small, ultra-Christian cult in recent weeks in tandem with the Oct. 22 release of her memoir, Vampire Dinner: Life in the Iconic TV Show. While she’s opened up about just about every aspect of how controlled her life has been over the years while also starring on the hit WB series — including a “sex schedule” — there’s one thing she’s never said.
In PEOPLE’s exclusive clip from Lenz’s conversation with Tommy DiDario on the Oct. 29 episode of his podcast I’ve never said this beforethe actress admits, “I’m still afraid of having vulnerable conversations with my parents.”
How One Tree Hill Star Bethany Joy Lenz Was Lured Into A Cult For A Decade—And How She Got Out (Exclusive)
Although she takes a minute to think about what she never said — “I’m saying all the bad words now,” she jokes — Lenz candidly admits she’s “afraid of emotion,” but it’s something she’s “working on” before offering a vulnerable message to her parents.
“I don’t know if I ever simply said to my parents, ‘I’m sorry. For what I put you through in those ten years.’ I think we danced around versions of it, but I don’t think I ever just said it,” she says, referring to her time in the cult.
Bethany Joy Lenz for PEOPLE.
John Russo
Lenz is teary-eyed as she continues, “Mom, Dad, I’m really sorry for what I put you through those ten years. It’s been a long time, but… Thank you for being there for me and for your patience and grace.”
After sharing it, Lenz says she’s going to “call” her parents to convey the sentiment directly to them.
these One Tree Hill Stars knew Bethany Joy Lenz was in a cult during filming: ‘You know you’re in a cult, right?’ (Exclusive)
She previously told PEOPLE that the transition after leaving the cult and adjusting to life without it was especially different for her family.
“It took a few emotional moments and time to figure out what kind of relationship I wanted [my parents] for the first time in adulthood because I had just gone from teenage brat to isolation and I was like, ‘You’re not even my family!'”
Her parents welcomed her with open arms, she said. “I thought, ‘OK, now you’re the only people I have in the world. Please don’t leave me.’ They say, ‘Don’t be funny.’ And it turned out well, I love both parents.”
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Bethany Joy Lenz for PEOPLE.
John Russo
In another exclusive clip from the podcast episode, Lenz also talks about the fight between her and her ex One Tree Hill actress Hilarie Burton. Lenz said further Call her dad on Oct. 16 that she “doesn’t have a problem with” Burton, 42, but that “there have been some bizarre misunderstandings that I really hope we can figure out one day.”
On I’ve never said this beforeDiDario asks Lenzo if any potential relationship strife would affect her participation in the One Tree Hill reboot that Burton and Sophia Bush announced in August, and Lenz immediately rejects the idea.
“This is all so crazy to me. I love Hilarie, I have no ill will towards her. I have no… I would never want to go back to One Tree Hill restart with hostility,” says Lenz. “It’s like it’s just… It’s not either of us.”
Speculation began in the spring that the actresses had fallen out after fans noticed they had unfollowed each other on Instagram, and Burton later distanced herself from her, Lenz and Bush’s joint Rewatch podcast, Drama queensalthough it was a result of her character’s storyline at the end of the series.
“The irony of the fact that I’m trying to tell people the story of what happens in group triangulation, when other people come in and start taking someone’s words and taking another person’s words and trying to create something that isn’t there, and gaslighting and all that stuff,” Lenz continues, referring to the stories he tells in his memoirs.
“And everyone says, ‘We love your book. But also, can you please tell us what’s going on with Hilarie?’ I said, ‘Do you realize you’re doing exactly what I’m talking about’ is not helpful.'”
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Dinner with the Vampires: Life in a Cult TV Show (Although It’s Also in a Real Cult!) it is now on sale wherever books are sold.
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Source: HIS Education