Etiquette Expert Answers Your Divisive Holiday Queries, from Returning Gifts to Shutting Down ‘Nosy’ Relatives

It is the most beautiful – and sometimes the most stressful – time of the year.

Etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho shares her holiday dos and don’ts exclusively with PEOPLE so you can give gifts, throw parties, and avoid all that pesky family drama like a pro.

The best part is, Ho, whose book is it Mind your manners available for pre-order ahead of its April release, says all her advice comes from real-life situations she’s found herself in.

In other words, her label is for the modern age.

Sarah Jane Ho’s book cover.

Courtesy of Sarah Jane Ho

“The book is really special to me because I share a lot of my lessons and my mistakes with it. And I’m also very vulnerable because I’m sharing my personal experiences,” she tells PEOPLE.

Here are some of her top tips for a successful greeting season:

Gift Guide

Once your friends start having kids, Ho advises that the gifting goes straight to the kids.

“It’s almost as if children replace friends because children are the most important to them, to every parent. All you have to do is make the kids happy and then your friends will be happy too,” she says.

Hoa’s favorite gift for small children is Lego bricks.

“Walking in with big Legos will definitely make you an instant favorite aunt or uncle. You can never go wrong. And then when the girls get a little older, 11 or 12, you can do makeup. Like little lip glosses because they’re light and not heavy makeup,” she adds.

Little girl with makeup set.

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Giving gift cards to friends and family is also a perfectly acceptable practice, but stick to the restaurant, says Ho, and make sure the minimum is no less than $50.

“I don’t know if two people can even eat for $50, honestly,” she says. “But if you’re on a tight budget, I’d rather buy something small like spices. It could be olive oil, but really special olive oil. Even that won’t set you back. You can get super fine olive oil for $30 or beautiful pink Himalayan sea salt.”

Still, Ho understands that the appeal of gift cards is that they can make gift-giving a lot easier for the crafty recipient. In her opinion, the gift card’s more desirable cousin is what she calls an “experience.”

“Everything I give my dad, I know he won’t use. He’s extremely special,” she says. “Then I’ll give him tickets to the musical.”

When faced with gift-giving as a married couple, Ho recommends buying a joint gift if they’ve recently gotten married, like “something for their new home together. Or a picture frame.”

By the way, Ho says it’s okay to “prioritize the woman over the husband because men don’t really care as much as girls. So I prioritize the woman and get something I know she would enjoy.”

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Now, what happens if you and a group of friends or family set a gift exchange price limit and someone goes over the limit?

Ho says to prevent this from happening, you also specify a penalty when you set the price cap.

“Make it a fun punishment,” she says, like, “whoever crosses [the limit] receives a fine. You have to give everyone cash. If there are no downsides, people will not be motivated to stay within that limit.”

And, yes, that is always it’s rude to ask someone for a receipt if you don’t like their gift.

“You must never admit that you don’t like it, even if you think it’s terrible. You should always act grateful because at the end of the day, it’s the gesture that counts,” says Ho. “But what you can do is re-gift it. And I’m a big fan of re-gifting because I keep getting things I don’t use, but then if I go to a friend’s house, things are [still] sweet or beautiful.”

Holiday gifts.

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The only rules when re-gifting, Ho says, are to make sure you’re dealing with different social circles and to double-check that the gift isn’t monogrammed or personalized for you.

As for gifts for your child’s teacher?

“No more cups,” Ho says with a laugh. “I think for teachers, those gifts for experiences are quite nice or a gift card for a very nice restaurant. It’s a treat. You want to give the teacher something he wouldn’t buy for himself.”

The same rule applies to gifting wine to your child’s teacher if that’s what you choose – you want it to be a bottle that they wouldn’t necessarily buy on their own.

“I don’t see a problem with wine,” says Ho. “If let’s say your child is in preschool and you’re giving away wine, it might be a little weird because technically wine shouldn’t be around minors, but if it’s something special, say wine from your country or say you’re from California, and the wine is from Napa? I don’t see why not.”

Party protocols

At this point, Ho says it’s a bit “maniacal” to ask your guests to get tested for Covid before coming to a party you’re hosting.

“But if you want to do that, then you should make an excuse and say, ‘By the way, I’m very sorry. I’m going to see my very elderly father the next day, and since he had a bad case of Covid before, I’m just taking extra precautions. Do you mind getting tested for Covid before the party I’m throwing?’”

And if, on the other hand, you’re a guest at the party but feel bad, Ho says you should use your best judgment.

“If it’s a common cold and you know it’s not Covid, then it’s fine. The occasional cough and the occasional snort when you go to the toilet and blow your nose once an hour is allowed. But if you’re going to hack or sneeze, the last thing people want is for you to sneeze on them or on their food,” she explains.

“In that case, you should cancel at the last minute and you should explain. You say, ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve got a terrible cough’, and this is actually what I use when I want to cancel at the last minute, even if I’m not sick. I say, ‘Oh my God, the last thing I want to do is sneeze and cough on your other guests. So I’ll do the right thing and just bow out. And I’m so sad to miss your holiday party, but I want it to be a success.’”

A man sneezes into a tissue.

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People often have guests visiting during the holidays, and conflicts and double bookings are sometimes unavoidable. Ho says you have two options if that happens.

“Let’s say you have a friend who is with you and you want to take him with you. And you tell the host and you should talk to them, say something about them that would make them attractive to the host,” she says. “And then I’d say, ‘Is it okay to bring them? Because I also think that’s someone I’d like you to meet.’”

Ho notes that he will also qualify his query because he understands that he may be imposing, and if there is no room or the host refuses, he moves on to another option.

“I assess whether the person I am hosting is important enough when I need to be with them. If I still really want to go to that party, I say to my guest, ‘I’m so sorry. That’s something I committed to before you came,’ and then I arrange for someone else to take my guest out to dinner so my guest isn’t alone,” she explains. “I say, ‘Oh, I have really good friends who they’re doing something else and they’d love to include you, and then we can meet up later.'”

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But what happens when those extra party guests are your own children?

“Definitely don’t bring kids unless the host says so,” says Ho. “And you can ask. You might say, ‘Oh, is it kid-friendly?’ Never surprise your children on other people.”

However, guests with kids at home end up being the perfect people to give leftovers to for a party.

“Personally, I don’t like waste, so I like to make sure that the food goes to people who are going to finish it—say, people with a lot of kids—assuming the leftovers are good leftovers, not leftovers,” says Ho. “Someone with children, especially young boys, will be very grateful for that.”

And finally, the two most important rules of holiday parties are actually divided between the host and the attendee.

As a host, the main rule is to always ask people in advance about any dietary restrictions and then prepare food for them to eat.

“You can’t expect them to bring their own dish then,” says Ho.

And as a participant?

“You never want to come to anyone’s house empty-handed,” says Ho. Even “a bottle or two of wine and a nice box of chocolates” will do.

Box of chocolates.

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Drama Decorum

Maybe you have a mom who can’t stop asking about the grandchildren, or you have that uncle who always wants to talk politics. The best way to handle personal questions, Ho says, really depends on who is asking them.

If it’s not your own family, she says, being “nice” in the name of not “pissing off” other people’s friends or relatives can help keep the peace.

‘Since you agree, they can’t really do more. If you don’t agree or challenge them, then they can get into a conflict or mess up further,” she says. “If you are just smiling and pleasant, then you are like water. You just go with the flow.”

Sarah Jane Ho.

Courtesy of Sarah Jane Ho

But when the people asking uncomfortable questions are your family or friends, “you can piss them off if you really want to,” Ho says with a laugh. Although the best way to handle the situation is to “use humor as a distraction”.

“The thing is, because they’re your family, they know how to push your buttons. They are the best at pushing your buttons,” she says. “So if you take things personally, if you start arguing, then you’ve just taken the bait, [when in reality] the greatest power is not to let people feel that they have power over you.”

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The family image of the label can also be a touchy subject for those who have significant others but not spouses.

“What you do is take two photos. You wear one with them in and the other without them,” says Ho.

In fact, she says, if they’re a new boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, “they should have the nerve to go out or say, ‘I’m going to take a photo.'”

As for the in-laws you may have an uneasy relationship with?

“Technically speaking, they are older than you and they are older and you should respect them. If they see that they are excluded [from a picture], it’s a little disrespectful,” Ho admits. “Maybe wait until they’re in the bathroom or in a separate area. Because if you’re going to have everything but in-laws you don’t like — and honestly, the in-laws probably know you don’t like them — you’re kind of asking for it.”

Corporate Courtesy

When it comes to gift-giving in the workplace, Ho says you should only really get a gift for your boss if he’s also a “mentor” and you have a “good relationship with him.” Otherwise, it can be embarrassing if you have a “not-so-good relationship” with your boss and you buy them a gift and they don’t get anything in return, she says.

“I would only say that it should not be an expensive gift. Don’t look like you’re trying too hard. You don’t want to look like you’re trying to kiss ass,” he says with a laugh.

Instead, make sure you can make the gift something “funky and unexpected, or even something for the office, like a plant.”

And finally, if you’re planning to bake goods to bring to the office, Ho says the rule of thumb is that “you have to offer to everyone. You can’t be picky. You can’t say, ‘Oh, I’ll just give it to Daniel and Lisa.’ That doesn’t look good. If you bake, bake in quantities, and put it in the pantry for everyone,” she says. “And to everyone, from the biggest boss, to the cleaning lady, whoever is in your way, offer them this.”

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Source: HIS Education