Reverend Richard Coles was up to his neck in fish guts and spiders during the latest Bushtucker trial on I’m A Celebrity, when Dec asked him: “What do you want to drink tonight?”
But he didn’t miss an answer.
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McFly star Danny Jones is crowned king of the jungleCredit: Rex
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Danny with campmates Coleen Rooney, Oti Mabuse and Richard Coles Credit: Rex
“If someone could get a Chablis Grand Cru, that would be great.”
And in that moment I knew that as much as I wanted him to win, he definitely wasn’t going to win.
Five minutes later?
Reverend Richard was gone, and the hope for a streak that could be summed up in just two words was gone.
Task.
It was literally like that, most days, as no episode was complete without an extended discussion about jungle duties and who the hell is going to wash the dishes/carry logs/fetch water now that Melvin/Tulisa/annoying camp one from Radio 1 is gone .
However, as tiresome as it was, the order of duty was at least better than the other 24 default, which involved camp friends “opening up” about the terrible C-list travails they suffer from being in the public eye , while they persistently refused to leave the public eye, or their mental health problems.
The self-indulgent ITV was so keen to pay tribute that when Danny Jones came out he said the jungle camp was “like a safe place” and “therapy”.
ITV are stupid enough to take this as a compliment, obviously, but it’s actually quite a damning verdict on I’m A Celebrity, which I’ve always thought should have been the most dangerous and unpredictable show on television, not a bad green room taping on This Morning.
It’s a mood that has also worked well for contestants such as ITV’s Oti Mabuse and ITV’s Coleen Rooney, to the extent that some naive fools actually thought one of them might win this three-week pity party, as the weekend finale approached.
I’m A Celebrity’s Reverend Richard Coles brutally slams Dean McCullough after radio star kicked out of camp
Huge uncertainty
With all due disrespect to these people, there was no chance in hell of that ever happening, while ITV’s Danny Jones, a member of McFly, a band whose influence on this show is equally bad, was also in the camp. useless.
McFly’s tail is definitely wagging the internet dog now and I’d be more than happy to let them continue with this painfully slow suicide pact
Dougie Poynter won series 11, Tom Fletcher’s wife Giovanna triumphed during the horrendous Welsh break and if viewers ever wanted to change that pattern, ITV had some less subtle tactics to win them back, from a McFly-filled soundtrack to the fact that even threw away his bloody guitar when the singing threatened to get too quiet in that McFly-infested camp.
Given that he’s a regular on The Voice: UK, ITV will no doubt think this win is mutually beneficial. Apparently not, though. It reveals a huge insecurity on behalf of the play.
Because McFly’s tail is definitely wagging at the internet dog now and I’d be more than happy to let them continue with this painfully slow suicide pact, but first things first. I still absolutely love I’m A Celebrity. . . Get me out of here!
It has the best backstory of any show on television and the best hosts, who have been working off a blank and three week old Barry McGuigan eyesight joke for the rest of this series.
So sharp
What he also deserves are decent bookers and a winner like the Reverend Richard Coles who was by far the smartest, toughest, least selfish finalist, with a phrase that allowed him to describe Dreaded Dregs drinks as tasting like “Shanghai hooker bar spit ” (I take his word for it) and “he stinks of ass death.” I’ll take his word for it again.
But he was also endlessly self-effacing and so harsh that he beat Ant and Dec when they gave him: “Chicken spanking”.
“For what we will receive . . . “
May the Lord thank us with reason.
Amen.
Mulberry for Holly? You bet
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Holly with co-host Stephen Mulhern on ITV’s You BetCredit: PA
ITV’S You Bet! it resurfaced over the weekend, without any public request or even a suggestion that they remembered it was there in the first place.
You have to figure, then, that it’s part of the network’s plan to reintroduce Holly Willoughby to gentle entertainment duties, as it certainly wasn’t a “too rare opportunity” to see her co-host Stephen Mulhern or panelists like Alison Hammond and Rob Beckett, whose job it was to exchange contestants’ “extraordinary challenges”.
These mostly followed the old You Bet! draft and involved harmless jerks showing off their obsessions, like Anthony trying to identify Wimpy’s quarter-pounder from a whole tower of hamburgers, and Holly telling him, seemingly sincerely, “Your family will be so proud, if you’re right.”
(He was.) However, less than 20 minutes into the restart, the Record Breakers gang suddenly seemed to wander into Glastonbury’s Crack Zone and we met Martin and Trixie, from Reading, who reckoned they could identify five types of cactus , blindfolded, just licking them.
Rob Beckett has rightly chosen the most tuberous, green and suggestive specimens available and you’d swear you were watching the downloads from Porn Hulk back then and someone was about to get a blast of Bruce Banner’s super soldier serum while the two of them worked on them.
Through it all, though, Holly’s grim determination to see this shit through to the bitter end hasn’t wavered and even ended the show with a cheery, “See you next time for another feast of epic, weird and wonderful challenges.” I wouldn’t bet on it though.
YOU BET! Holly Willoughby: “Come on then, Alison (Hammond), what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever licked?”
Hugh Jackman’s rear end, on This Morning. Repeatedly.
Unexpected morons in the packaging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which Welsh mountain is the main massif in the Snowdonia Mountains?”
Sandra: “Ben Nevis.”
Bradley Walsh: “What potatoes were named to commemorate the 1902 coronation?”
Greg: “Prince Albert.”
Tipping Point: Lucky Stars by Ben Shephard: “The national men’s field hockey team whose antipodean country is known as the Kookaburras?”
Bobby Norris: “Africa.”
Ben Shephard: “A common term referring to fraud or deception is smoke and what?”
Olivia Attwood: “Feathers.”
Random TV irritations
CELEBRITY Cyclone remains the second most overrated thing on the planet, behind Banksy.
C4’s always gutless The Last Leg abandons its Dick of the Year award just as Britain gets a Labor government.
Advertisers who are too pathetically woke to say the word “Christmas”.
And that surplus-to-necessity moment when pork-obsessed Will explained to Gregg Wallace how to make a “pig’s ear” out of stuff in the MasterChef: The Professionals kitchen.
No need, Will. He has this one.
Great sports insights
STEVE BOWER: “West Ham were fourth best in this game.”
Paul Merson: “Sometimes you can make the right mistake.”
And Simon Thomas: “Eighty-three percent of Arsenal’s corners were inswingers. All of them, inswingers.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
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MasterChef is not at the mercy of Greg Wallace Credit: BBC
BIG TV lies and delusions of the month. I’m A Celeb Rev Richard Coles: “I think GK is original, funny, funny and great.”
Dean McCullough: “I grew up watching I’m Famous.” Grown?
And comedy legend, Lenny Henry: “I would do anything to make an audience laugh.”
Except, perhaps, the obvious.
GRACE DENT: “Do you have any ideas, 21 days, comprehensively, for a very, very stressed TV presenter?”
Yes, Gaza.
URGENT clarification, RE: MasterChef: Professionals.
“You’ve got firm little dumplings in there,” was Gregg Wallace’s verdict on Dan’s starter, not the production assistant.
TV Gold
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Lena Zavaroni: The Forgotten Child star was this week’s winnerCredit: Getty
Lena Zavaroni’s superb BBC2 documentary: The Forgotten Child Star, above, which probably could have gone on for another half hour, but drew me to the spot anyway.
David Attenborough’s footage of endangered Gobi bears purposefully marching towards a desert oasis, in the BBC1 Asian series.
EastEnders apparently forgot that Bianca was kidnapped in early November (appreciated). Guy Martin from C4: Arctic Warrior.
And the Viennese Waltz, performed by Metallica, Dianne Buswell and comedian Chris McCausland, who deserve to win purely for various positive inspirational reasons and the fact that at least two of the other finalists, Tasha and Sarah, want and need it badly too.
Lookalike of the week
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Ian Hislop, left, and Zig from Zig And Zag
THIS week’s winner is former satirist Ian Hislop and Zig from Zig And Zag.
Submitted by D Boyd, Prestwick. The lookalike of the week is won by a copy of Through Their Eyes by Billy MacLeod from the charity Veterans In Action.
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education