CRAWLING up the stairs at 2am, I carefully navigate the creaky floorboards and quietly enter my bedroom.
I don’t even shower before I go to bed, the smell of the man I just slept with is still on my skin. I like the reminder.
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Judy Saunders said: ‘I’m addicted to sex, I’ve been cheating on my husband of 21 years who I’ve been with so regularly I’ve lost count of the men I’ve slept with’ Credit: Getty
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Judy said: ‘I slept with my husband’s colleague at work and threw myself at my friend’s husband, he was the rare one who rejected me’ Credit: Getty
It’s shocking, I know.
The facts are that I am addicted to sex, that I cheat on my husband with whom I have spent 21 years so regularly that I have lost count of the men I have slept with.
It is over 50, but less than 100.
With some I had short-term affairs, with others it was a one-night stand.
I slept with my husband’s colleague at work and took my clothes off with my friend’s husband – he was the rare one who rejected me.
I went out to dinner with a group of friends and slept with one of them in the restaurant toilet while his wife and my husband were sitting at the table.
I even left my double bed in a hotel to go downstairs and sleep with a bartender I liked.
I can’t tell you how easy it is to find men who are up for it, married or single, from bartenders to tennis coaches to men I’ve met on trains as well as friends and colleagues.
I’m cheeky, but all it takes is a whisper in the ear, a slap on the arm, or giving them your number.
I don’t worry about people gossiping about me because most of the men I meet are either married so they wouldn’t say a word, or they’re passing through — like on vacation or a business trip.
Sex addict (44) died of a heart attack after drinking a cocktail of drugs, Viagra and erection cream at an orgy in Thailand
As far as I know my husband has no idea or chose not to notice.
I too have doubted him for years and I have no desire to talk to him about it.
Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part, I hope so, then I don’t need to feel guilty.
We both want to stay married for our children and because our marriage works in other ways.
The reasons for my many infidelities are complicated.
I love sex, but I find my husband boring in bed — it’s all too familiar.
I also crave validation from men.
I am attractive by most standards.
I am slim with long legs and have good hair.
But as a teenager, I had greasy, mousey hair and acne.
I love sex, but I find my husband boring in bed — it’s all too familiar. I also crave validation from men. I am attractive by most standards
Judy Saunders
While boys from school kept asking my friends out, I didn’t even ask for a second look.
At 17, I blossomed, I discovered running and dyeing my hair, and my acne disappeared.
I started to attract men’s attention and I liked it.
There was a boy I was in love with for four years.
I’ll never forget the murmur when he came up to me and asked me out.
It gave me a feeling of power, but also self-confidence, I was no longer invisible.
And sex only intensified those emotions.
He was the first man I slept with and I liked it.
Not just an act but a confirmation that he finds me attractive.
It ended when we went to different universities and knew it wouldn’t work out.
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Judy said: ‘I’m sassy but all it takes is a whisper in the ear, a slap on the arm or slip them your number’ Credit: Getty
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Judy said: ‘I liked the novelty of sleeping with different men. It was exciting when they realized I was up for it’Credit: Getty
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Judy said: I once took my boyfriend to work with me and my husband found out because the man’s girlfriend found out and told him’Credit: Getty
I played the field in college, but most of us did.
When my friends started to calm down after we left, I realized I didn’t want that.
I liked the novelty of sleeping with different men. It was exciting when they realized I was for it.
I think it was my mistake to get married.
I should have just dated multiple men with everyone knowing it wasn’t exclusive. But then you expected to get married.
I met John and he swept me off my feet. I found him very attractive and the sex was great to begin with.
Although I enjoy and crave my extramarital sex, I know that I am out of control and addicted
Judy Saunders
We got married after a year, when I was 26 years old.
Although I was excited on my wedding day, I remember worrying the night before that I would never sleep with anyone else and how much I would miss it.
I was unfaithful a year later while at a conference with a stranger in a hotel.
We stood at the bar, chatted while waiting for the bartender to serve us, and that was it.
Even though I was happy with John, I craved the novelty of having sex with someone new and just feeling a different body.
I like to find out what men like in bed or learn something new from how they touch me.
I became more reckless
After that first time, I felt guilty. I remember going home to John, preparing for confession. But I couldn’t do that. I wanted to marry him.
I continued to be unfaithful all the time, except every time I was pregnant and for the first six months after that, because I was too tired and on maternity leave, I didn’t have much reason to leave home to find a new man.
We have two daughters aged 15 and 13. I always have safe sex, so I have no doubt that he is their father.
But otherwise the practicality of my infidelities is easy. I work long hours and travel a lot.
I have two friends who are always happy to be my alibi — one of them has a chaotic life and often asks me to come help her through some crisis, so I can always pretend I went to her house.
But I became more and more reckless as the years went by.
I once took my boyfriend to work with me and my husband found out because the man’s girlfriend found out and told him
Judy Saunders
I used to limit my infidelity to when I was working.
Now I’m going to do it in front of John.
Once we were at a wedding and during dinner I had sex with the man on my right.
I told him I was up for it, we went out, did it in the bush, and then I came back, without a care in the world, to find John chatting with his friends at the bar.
I have had longer-term lovers, one man whom I have been seeing for several years.
He’s my male equivalent and assures me that I’m far from the only woman looking for the quick thrill of sex with a stranger – and he should know.
I once took my boyfriend to work with me and my husband found out because the man’s girlfriend found out and told him.
I swore nothing happened and he decided to believe me.
We have separate bedrooms because of John’s snoring, but we still have sex occasionally.
But I stay out until all hours and just hope they don’t catch me coming home.
On the occasions he had, I claimed to have fallen asleep at my friend’s house.
Although I enjoy and crave my extramarital sex, I know that I am out of control and addicted.
I’m not alone.
dr. Patrick Carnes, who coined the term “sex addiction”, believes that one in five of the four million British sex addicts are women.
But the thing is, I don’t want therapy because I don’t want to change yet.
I know, besides being morally wrong, it’s unhealthy because whatever I tell myself is right, I wouldn’t want to see my daughters go down the same path.
- For more information contact the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, atsac.org.uk
- As told by: Claire Dunwell
Three helpful steps to change
TV PSYCHOLOGIST Emma Kenny says: “It’s clear that Judy’s behavior, while providing temporary thrills, leaves her feeling out of control and caught in a destructive cycle.
“Here are some tips that can help her even if she doesn’t feel ready for therapy.”
RECOGNIZE THE TRIGGER: The desire for male affirmation seems to stem from insecurities formed in her teenage years. Sex addiction is a need to fill an emotional void. Understanding why he is behaving the way he does is the first step to taking back control.
FAMILY FIRST: Judy mentioned her desire to stay together with her husband for the sake of the children. However, her husband’s continued betrayal risks profoundly affecting the stability of her family. She should think about the emotional consequences for her children if they ever find out.
SMALL STEPS TOWARDS CHANGE: Admitting your sex addiction and struggling to control it is a brave first step in getting your life in order. Judy doesn’t need therapy right away, but she could start by setting limits on when and where she engages in extramarital sex. Even if Judy isn’t ready to stop completely, she might try to limit her behavior to give herself a sense of power and control.
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Emma Kenny says: ‘It is clear that Judy’s behavior, while providing her with temporary thrills, leaves her feeling out of control and caught in a destructive cycle’ Credit: Getty
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