John Stamos Admits He Was ‘Shattered’ After Rebecca Romijn Divorce: ‘Maybe She Wasn’t the Devil’ (Exclusive)

John Stamos never imagined his marriage to Rebecca Romijn would explode the way it did.

In his forthcoming memoir, If you had told mecomes out on October 24, the Full house The alum candidly shares the ups and downs of his love story with Romijn, 50, as well as the aftermath of their divorce in the early 2000s.

“My first marriage was breaking me. I was broken for too long,” Stamos, 60, tells PEOPLE exclusively in this week’s issue. “I mean, a year, okay, fine. But it continued [for] years and years.”

Rebecca Romijn talks about fond memories of ex-husband John Stamos: ‘I miss a lot of things about him’

Stamos says it was “really hard” to write the chapters focusing on their former marriage, especially since he had to think about his own feelings at the time.

“At that time, she was the Devil in my mind and I simply hated her,” he admits. “I couldn’t believe how much I hated her, and it ruined my life. Looking back, I talk about it [in the book], because that’s one of the steps in AA where the fourth step is to come up with all your grievances, all the things people have done to you. I said, ‘Nothing.'”

But big beast the actor eventually admitted it had “some role” in the failure of his first marriage, saying, “You start thinking, it’s like, ‘Oh, she wasn’t the Devil. Maybe I was just as guilty as she was.'”

(LR) Pictured are Rebecca Romijn and John Stamos. Paul Archuleta/Getty, Allen Berezovsky/FilmMagic

From his perspective, Stamos — who hasn’t seen Romijn since they met together with their divorce lawyers — felt that his now-ex-wife was “trying to make it work because she cares” for him before they finally split.

“It was very public and it was very painful. I haven’t written much about it, but it’s hard,” he says.

“It was mostly thought that she left me because her career was going great and mine wasn’t, and that’s humiliating,” he continues. “I don’t blame her for that. It was just a perception that people took, and maybe they weren’t wrong. She had a great time at the time and I didn’t.”

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Pictured is John Stamos’ memoir, ‘If You Told Me’.

Jeff Lipsky

John Stamos on how wife Caitlin and son Billy changed his life: ‘My dreams came true’

Stamos believes that his healing process “wasn’t healthy.”

“That’s when I really started drinking a lot,” he recalls. “But without it I would never have known what true love was and I would never have stood up to have someone like Caitlin in my life.”

Stamos married Caitlin McHugh Stamos in 2018. They are now parents to a 5-year-old son, Billy. Meanwhile, Romijn now has two children with current husband Jerry O’Connell, whom she married in 2007.

(LR) Pictured are John Stamos, Billy Stamos and Caitlin McHugh Stamos.

John Stamos/Instagram

“If I hadn’t gone through all that stuff, all that pain,” he said Scream queens alum says, “I wouldn’t be who I am today. That’s what I hope people take away from it.”

Memoirs of John Stamos, If you had told me, it is available on October 24 wherever books are sold.

For more on John Stamos, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands everywhere Friday, or subscribe here.

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