ON Valentine’s Day 2021, my husband Matthew gave me beautiful red roses and cooked me a delicious meal.
We reminisced about happy memories, like the restaurants we visited, vacations with the kids, and teaching Bella, our oldest, to ride a bike.
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Victoria Wright, 36, talks about the devastating loss of her husband MatthewCredit: Fabio De Paola
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Victoria revealed: ‘He seemed happy and was unusually gentle all day,’ the family pictured in 2017.
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A couple on their wedding day
He seemed happy and was unusually gentle all day, although in the evening he was quieter and more subdued.
Before bed, Matthew, a sport rider who competed for Britain, cuddled our children Bella, then eight, William, six, and Niamh, four, and I read to them in their downstairs bedroom, before tucked away.
I went upstairs to our room at 6:30 p.m. and that’s when my world came crashing down, because I found Matthew there dead.
He took his own life at the age of 38.
In shock, I desperately tried to help him and called 999 with trembling hands.
I felt so hopeless as I told Matthew I couldn’t believe he had done this and begged him to come back to me – but it was too late.
The paramedics arrived, then the police and both pairs of our parents.
At 1am, the cops left and I put on Matthew’s dressing gown, then lay down on his side of the bed.
I couldn’t help but think that I could have stopped him if I had gone upstairs earlier.
Although Matthew was open about his mental health problems – writing about his bouts of depression for an equestrian magazine – no one but me knew that he had attempted suicide several times.
But I never thought that he would really do it, because I was sure that he would not leave me and the children.
Telling the kids was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.
All three huddled together, knowing something was wrong.
Seeing their faces fall when I told them their dad died will haunt me forever.
Bella hugged the younger two who were sobbing, trying to be brave – it broke my heart even more.
Matthew and I have been together for 11 years, having met through our love of competitive riding.
He competed from the age of 12, and his problems began around the age of 18, when he began to feel overwhelmed by the pressure of the sport.
I had known about Matthew’s problems since we met, but his mental health had deteriorated since he was 25, and things got worse after he got married and had children.
However, he was an amazing dad.
He loved to cook for our children, teach them to swim and ride a bike.
He insisted on the school run so he could talk to them every day.
Like many people who struggle, what he looked like on the outside was different from how he felt on the inside.
Matthew never wanted others to see a chink in his armor, which is common in professional sports.
All his friends thought he was funny, and no one knew the extent of his mental problems, especially since he was so kind to others.
He would be the first to offer help, but the last to ask for it.
In 2018, when an equestrian magazine asked Matthew to blog for them about professional events, he mentioned that he had a dark day and it had a ripple effect as others contacted him saying they too were struggling.
Realizing that there was a problem, we decided to help by raising awareness of mental health.
In May 2019, we launched Riders Minds, an online resource where people can access free advice and support.
Matthew continued to fight and that year was put on medication for depression, which he refused to take because he said he didn’t want to appear weak.
I suggested he talk to a counselor, but after two sessions he said he couldn’t open up to a stranger.
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Victoria’s world comes crashing down when she finds Matthew, aged 38, dead after taking his own life
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Earlier that day, Matthew had cooked a delicious meal for Victoria
Looking back, I can see how much Matthew’s problems took a toll on me as well.
I never knew what mood he would be in and I was constantly stressed.
I never thought about leaving him, but I was in survival mode, living each day as best I could.
Yet in the two years before his death, he was the happiest I had ever seen him.
I thought his troubles were behind him, which made his death even harder to understand.
When Matthew died, everyone was in total shock.
Both sets of our parents said Matthew would never have ended his life. But he had and I didn’t have the answers that everyone wanted.
The days after his death passed in a blur; I was like a zombie, I didn’t know what day it was.
I kept going back to our last day together, thinking about how he had gone above and beyond for Valentine’s Day, and wondering if this was his way of saying goodbye.
I thought about how he’d chopped enough firewood for a week and how he’d tried on a suit he loved—did he tell me to bury him in it?
There were so many unanswered questions.
Matthew’s funeral was held on March 26, 2021.
Due to Covid it was limited to immediate family and friends, but so many people lined up outside the church and crematorium to pay their respects.
Afterwards I carried on as best I could, devoting myself to looking after the children and focusing on the charity that Matthew and I had set up.
Over the following months I found letters from Bella begging her dad to come back.
I was upset that she felt she had to hide them from me, so I started talking about my memories of Matthew, encouraging them to do the same.
Valentine’s Day this year was extremely difficult because I realized that Matthew was gone forever.
I was angry that he left our children and me.
I’m in a better place now, but I still think about how I should have told my friends and family that Matthew wasn’t well, instead of brushing it under the rug and trying to deal with it on my own.
We need to normalize conversations with people who feel suicidal so they feel comfortable asking for help without fear of being stigmatized.
I will never get over the loss of Matthew, the love of my life and the best father to our children, but I am determined to help others who are struggling through our charity event in his honor.
If it can save even one person’s life, it will be worth everything.
- For help and support call Samaritans for free on 116 123 or visit Samaritans.org.
- Riders can contact Riders Minds (Ridersminds.org) by calling 0800 088 2073 or texting 07729 774117.
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Matthew, a sport rider who competed for Britain, spoke openly about his difficulties
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Victoria says: ‘Telling the kids was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do’ Credit: Fabio De Paola
Signs of suicidal thoughts
Here are some key signs to look out for not only in your loved ones, but also in yourself:
- A change in routine, such as sleeping or eating less than usual
- Difficulty sleeping, lack of energy or feeling particularly tired
- Drinking, smoking or using drugs more than usual
- It’s hard to deal with everyday things
- They don’t want to do the things they usually enjoy
- You become withdrawn from friends and family – you don’t want to talk or be with people
- Acting more tearful
- They seem restless, disturbed, nervous, irritable
- Serious or joking expression, for example “Oh, nobody likes me” or “I’m a waste of space”
- Losing interest in their appearance, not liking or caring about themselves, or feeling unimportant
You are not alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.
It does not discriminate, it touches the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and football players.
It is the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, deadlier than cancer and traffic accidents.
And men are three times more likely to take their own lives than women.
Yet it’s rarely talked about, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage if we don’t all stop and pay attention now.
That’s why The Sun launched the You Are Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all help save lives.
Let’s all pledge to ask for help when we need it, and listen to others… You are not alone.
If you or anyone you know needs help with mental health issues, the following organizations offer support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
- Movember, www.uk.movember.com
- Anxiety UK www.anxietyuk.org.uk, 03444 775 774 Monday-Friday 9.30am-10pm, Saturday/Sunday 10am-8pm
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education