DEAR DEIDRE: My husband is obsessed with kinky sex and accuses me of being boring in bed.
This is causing problems in our marriage and I am afraid we are going to the divorce courts.
We have been married for five years, together for seven, we have a two-year-old son. I am 35 years old and my husband is 38 years old.
In the beginning, our sex life was great – passionate and exciting. But a few years after we got married, my husband said he likes to be dominant in bed.
He said he got really excited when I took control and pushed him around.
Even worse, he likes to be hurt and humiliated. He likes to be told that he is worthless and ugly.
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The problem is that I don’t mind a little bit of tying up, tying up, or spanking, but it doesn’t do much for me.
And the more extreme things he enjoys actually make me sick. I don’t enjoy hurting or humiliating him at all.
Quite the opposite. It seems offensive and wrong. But he says it makes him happy. The result is that I have now stopped wanting sex with him. I avoid him at all costs.
I still have sexual needs. I long for simple love making, with lots of kissing, hugging and gentle stroking.
He calls it “vanilla” sex and says it’s a turn off. I suggested that he watch porn instead of involving me in his strange fetishes. He says it doesn’t satisfy him.
Our marriage is otherwise good. I love him and he is a great dad.
But I’m starting to lose respect for him and now I don’t think we have a future together.
Can I save this marriage?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s unfortunate that your otherwise good relationship is ruined by your husband’s sexual needs, which are incompatible with yours.
It sounds like he didn’t reveal his preferences until after you were married, maybe because he was worried you wouldn’t accept him and because he was afraid of losing you.
If you want to save your marriage, he has to accept that he can’t expect you to do something you find repulsive.
And you both need to reach a compromise and agree on boundaries. Sex therapy with a professional counselor could help you with this.
See my support pack on sex therapy and contact a counselor through the College of Psychosexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 0208 106 9635).
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education