The Ultimatum's Sandy Calls Her Journey a 'Disaster' and Opens Up About Nick's 'Emotional Volatility' (Exclusive)

Warning: This story contains spoilers from Ultimatum: get married or move on season 3 finale and reunion.

Sandy Gallagher looks back on her journey Ultimatum: Get married or move on.

The reality star garnered a lot of attention in season three as her relationship with Nick Tramontino was put to the test to see if an engagement or a breakup was on the horizon. After entering a trial marriage with JR Warren, Sandy faced a lot of ups and downs—all while staying committed to the process.

In the end, she and Nick decided to go their separate ways, with Sandy noting that they still had a lot of “work to do.” During the reunion, the exes confirmed they were still not together, but Nick said Sandy helped him check into rehab after he started “drinking a lot” after the show. Sandy also admitted that she felt “bombarded” by Nick’s actions “every day” for the past year and was “really exhausted” by their relationship.

Nick later apologized for the “emotionally aggressive energy” he directed towards Sandy, saying: “I reacted very badly, I went into a very dark state… I felt very insecure and scared.” He later added: “I’m sorry I screwed that up for you” and wrote in an Instagram post: “Mistakes were made…”

Below, Sandy talks to PEOPLE about her time on the show, her breakup with Nick and her hopes for the future.

Nick Tramontin and Sandy Gallagher.

Adam Rose / Netflix

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PEOPLE: What were your expectations going into the show?

SANDY GALLAGHER: I think we were both really hoping that this would give us answers in our relationship. I definitely didn’t think it would turn out the way it did. I never could have imagined it would unravel like this.

You immediately formed a strong bond with JR Warren and then entered into a trial marriage together. What do you think he was giving you that your ex Nick Tramontin wasn’t?

SG: JR used to show up a lot. He gave me a lot of emotional closure in our trial marriage, which is something I wasn’t used to in my relationship with Nick. It was nice to experience it emotionally.

The thing about JR is that, in terms of his personality, he’s very different from any other guy I’ve dated. I usually date men who are much more in tune with their emotions and guide them, whereas JR doesn’t. I actually had to emote more from JR, which I’ve never had to do in a relationship. So it was a different, new experience for me.

Sandy Gallagher and JR Warren.

Adam Rose/Netflix (2)

Nick was clearly very emotional on the show. Can you shed more light on those hot moments and why they made you cry?

That night was a big turning point in the whole process. What we see is that Nick is clearly extremely emotional – understandably so. He has a very unique experience of being alone and therefore I completely understand why there would be emotions, frustrations [and] a broken heart.

But what we actually see unfold is something that is actually very inappropriate. I know exactly what’s going on because it’s like a cyclical pattern with Nick’s emotional instability. I’ve been in this position with him many times before where he has really dysregulated emotions and it makes him do certain things [or] behave in a certain way. I knew that given the emotional and mental state he was in, the best thing for me was to separate myself.

Sandy Gallagher in the 3rd season of ‘Ultimate’.

Courtesy of Netflix

And what we also don’t get to see, because it happened off camera, he called me about a hundred times that night. It wasn’t just one call [saying] that he is afraid and that he loves me. The communication was very unhealthy. We see the very tipping point of what was a lot of very unhealthy communication. When he came to the apartment… he definitely put me in a state where I felt extremely uncomfortable. I don’t know how to react in those situations and the best thing I’ve learned to do for myself is to shut down as much as I can and not really engage when he’s in that emotional state.

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Nick on ‘Ultimate’.

Courtesy of Netflix

I asked Ultimatum creator Chris Coelen in a previous interview about the producers having to intervene at the time, but said that the production does not shoot 24/7 and that the incident happened after hours.

Yeah, that’s something that, to be honest, I’d like the producers to get involved in just because it’s a very complex situation.

I want to be clear that we should not communicate or talk to our original partners in order to really get the most out of this experience. He shouldn’t even know where we live, let alone come to the door. Never happened before. So I was very taken aback by what was going on, and just knowing the emotional state he was in – he was actually drunk – I just knew it was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t know what was going to happen with him and JR either, so I said, “We’re just going to shut this down.”

But that doesn’t discredit my genuine sympathy for him at that moment. I love Nick very much and I’ve been with him through a lot of things, a lot of emotional situations like this. I just think this one could get really bad, so I wanted to avoid it.

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Sandy on ‘The Ultimatum’.

Courtesy of Netflix

Do you feel that Nick’s actions throughout the proceedings were genuine because he missed you or more because he felt threatened by your relationship with JR?

I think Nick’s reaction to all of this was because he was afraid of being alone. He was alone, which shouldn’t happen and it was a new situation that I don’t think anyone knew how to handle.

Nick was going through his own internal struggles and that was a big reason [as to why] I felt frustrated [in the beginning]. I had a lot of resentment towards Nick because before this experience he was very, very distant from me, disconnected and very neglected. When we came here, it was literally the opposite. I just felt like it was at a really inappropriate time because we’re in this experience, we’re filming… the change in behavior felt a little inauthentic to me. But now, looking back, I know that it was genuine for him and that he was really just fighting and getting through it. I think there’s a lot we can both learn and take away from it. But I think it had more to do with him and less to do with JR

Sandy and JR on ‘The Ultimatum’.

Courtesy of Netflix

After everything that happened during your trial marriage with JR, you reunited with Nick to enter into a trial marriage with him. At that point, had you already decided on the engagement with Nick?

Going into the trial marriage with Nick, I actually had high hopes. There was a moment when I started switching that I thought maybe we should just leave and go home together, me and Nick. But I really wanted to devote myself completely to this whole process. So I tried to put everything aside, and I know he did the same, and I just wanted to be with him and work on the things we came there to solve.

What about going on the day of the proposal? You ended up ending things, but did you know what you were going to say before that moment?

Before that, we talked about how it probably wasn’t the smartest or most responsible thing to get engaged at the end of this. There were a lot of things we couldn’t work out that were key struggles in our relationship. Lots of them [were] about emotional instability and some other internal things that we haven’t worked through on camera. So I think we both knew this was the end and it was a very sad moment.

The part that people don’t see is how much I really, truly love Nick and the things we’ve been through in our relationship and what I’ve stuck with him through. It’s really challenging to have that deep soul connection, [being] in love with someone, but knowing that he is not the right partner for you. And that’s exactly what was happening.

Do you feel like the breakup would have happened or did you need the show to get this outcome?

I think the show and this experience accelerates your response. There is nothing natural about it [the process] — that would literally never happen outside of this experience. And we got a response, but the way it all unfolded was a disaster.

I also want to be really clear that my decision in the end had nothing to do with JR, but everything to do with Nick. I don’t think the outcome would necessarily be any different. It might take us another two, three years to get there, and that’s the beauty of it. That’s why I really wanted to honor and respect this process in the end, whatever the decision was, because I didn’t want to be in a situation where I’m considering the same issues for two more years and have the same things come up if it’s not my life partner or my husband .

Do you regret the process?

There are many things I would do differently and wish I could do differently. As for my current relationship with JR, I could have handled it with a little more respect and been upfront, open and honest about the information with Nick. I was so quick to think about it…I lacked a bit of awareness of how Nick felt about it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt someone I love. It comes from trying to avoid another emotional tantrum on camera for the world to see, because it’s really, really hard to lay out every detail of your personal life and your love life.

I also think that talking to Zain and trying to convince her that she wasn’t asking and didn’t need it at that moment was very inappropriate for me. I love, adore and respect Zaina… but I just shouldn’t have said anything. That was not appropriate of me. I think I messed up in a lot of different ways during the process and I just tried to learn and grow from everything I could.

What is your relationship status today?

I have done a lot of inner emotional spiritual work on myself over the past year and have had many opportunities to reflect and grow as a person and as a partner, but I have been focused on myself. I didn’t walk. I know it sounds cliché, but I was really just using that energy, putting it back into myself to become the best person I can be. And I’m working on a lot of things in my career and personal life.

It was definitely a process of disconnecting from this whole experience. So when the time is right, I’ll be ready to meet someone. I’ve been waiting all my life to have that “When you know, you know” feeling, and I won’t rest until I find it. So I’m excited.

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3rd season Ultimatum: Get married or move on now streaming in its entirety on Netflix.

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