NEARLY four hours into BBC One’s coverage of the Olympic closing ceremony, someone who looked a lot like Tom Cruise, with mumps, threw himself off the roof of the Stade de France.
And who could blame him?
5
BBC coverage of the Olympic closing ceremony included Clare Balding, Chris Hoy, Laura Kenny and Fred Sirieix Credit: BBC
5
Matthew Pinsent was the hero of the ceremony after going rogueCredit: BBC
If I were him, I would have left much earlier.
Probably when the giant hamster wheels were being thrown around.
Or during the chorus of Hymns to Apollo, accompanied by a hanging piano.
Or any time commentators Hazel Irvine and Andrew Cotter were praising female athletes, which seemed like the whole time.
Because the closing ceremony was quite similar to the opening and the Games themselves.
If you wanted to see a moment of pure, unadulterated joy, you knew you’d have to sit through a whole lot of boring stuff first.
The signs didn’t look particularly promising on Sunday night either.
In charge of the occasion was Clare Balding, now speaking to viewers as if she were a children’s TV presenter, surrounded by a panel that, like the Beeb’s coverage, was as uninspired and random as could be, joined by Chris Hoy and Laura Kenny from Fred Sirieix, the front of house guy from Channel 4’s First Dates.
Fred has skin in the game, obviously, thanks to his jumper daughter, but his inevitable presence at the beginning, middle and end of these Games is one of the great mysteries of 2024 given that he is also “Le Grand Maitre du bleeding evident”.
Because nothing that ever leaves his mouth is a big surprise, least of all Sunday’s killer observation: “President Macron is a very proud Frenchman.”
At the closing ceremony, Tom Cruise made a shock appearance as the Games were handed over to Hollywood
At times I’ve also started to wonder if Fred is actually French or created by some spin-off project of Watch Your Tongue, given that he can sound like some f***-scene from a sitcom with the polite way he says, “the joie de vivre, escargot for lunch, a glass of wine”, pursed lips, Gallic shrug.
That, you say, is a bit suspicious, isn’t it?
Luckily for Fred, Clare and co, then, very much in keeping with the pattern set by Celine Dion, an unlikely hero who looks surprisingly like Good Morning Britain’s Richard Arnold is out here on day one.
That hero was rower Matthew Pinsent, who, when asked by Clare about the challenges facing the next president of the International Olympic Committee, suddenly went rogue in glorious fashion.
We can speculate forever about his reasons, of course, and whether he owes anything to the fact that he has a daughter and has also seen former BBC colleagues such as Garry Herbert, Steve Redgrave and James Cracknell disappear in the superficial name of diversity. , or was just disgusted by what he saw in women’s boxing.
But his answer was brilliant.
“Boxing headlines,” he said, “were unfortunate and unpleasant.
“But they’re completely created by the IOC itself because they can’t have equality and inclusion and it’s so weird that they let that happen.”
Escargot for lunch
In other words, you can’t have two biological men beating women to win Olympic titles.
A sentiment that seemed to call for some agreement with Clare Balding, who offered only the thought, “We have an interesting time ahead of us.”
It is indeed.
But in the end, Clare and the BBC will have to decide whether they are merely enjoying a moral stance on diversity and equality, or whether they are actually prepared to join Pinsent and Sharron Davies in a real fight to save women’s sport from the onslaught of men. Ramen noodles
Meanwhile, the shunning continued at the closing ceremony, where Andrew Cotter and Hazel Irvine happily applauded Adam Peaty for “changing the conversation about men’s mental health” but offered no opinion either when Algeria’s Imane Khelif swung the boxing gold medal to the camera.
But what I learned from both of them is that people in the Philippines are so excited about Carlos Yul’s two gymnastics wins that they offered him “Ramen noodles and free colonoscopies for the rest of his life”.
Heck of a deal, but I’d go with the Adobo chicken and fried rice if I were him.
Unexpected morons in the packaging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which South American country has a four-letter name?”
Ella: “Democratic Republic of Congo.”
Bradley Walsh: “Marcus’s Kitchen is a book by which celebrity chef?”
Ella: “Gordon Ramsay.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The Las Vegas duo whose magic shows featured the white tigers of Siegfried and who?” Holly: “Bass.”
And Bradley Walsh: “Which ex-TV presenter who played tennis was nicknamed the Paignton Peach?”
Ian: “John McEnroe.”
Random TV irritations
BBC One’s youth-chasing morons dedicate an episode of Who Do You Think You Are? Gemma Collins.
Nick Knowles clearly expected One Show viewers to be stunned when he told them: “I’m literally the least talented person in my family.”
And the scenes of vaginal intercourse in Miriam Margolyes’ Australian adventure, which were accompanied by the advice of the old hippie Sally: “Breathe and try not to think about anything.”
I’m trying, Sal.
But once you see Professor Sprout steaming it, you may never be able to think of anything else.
IT’S A Dense JUNGLE
NEW territory has been broken with the latest series of BBC One’s Celebrity Race Around the World.
A contestant so far down the food chain of fame didn’t just guess the question on everyone’s lips, he also got an answer.
5
Jeff and Freddy Brazier on Celebrity Race Around the World Credit: BBC
“Who is Freddy Brazier? I don’t know.”
A useless answer, but, apparently, he is Jeff Brazier’s second son, and not the only “celeb” with an identity crisis on this journey from the Amazon to the Andes.
Accompanied by his cousin, Mary Ellen, actor Kola Bokinni worries that fame might change him (Relax, my friend) and Kelly Brook now claims, “Kelly Brook doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion.”
A thought that may have already occurred to her slightly grumpy husband, Jeremy Parisi, who wears the look of a man who doesn’t expect Kelly to enter the “Charlie Dimmock phase” so soon.
The numbers are made up of DJ Scott Mills and husband Sam, so you’d never mistake this group for Brains Trust.
Indeed, a few of them are so dense that they probably thought one of the first stops, Fortaleza, was the setting for Carry On Up The Khyber.
As you can imagine, the race tactics aren’t exactly flawless and seem to either involve spending their modest budget on nice accommodation or taking an expensive taxi into the middle of nowhere, which is why Jeff returned to civilization, on Wednesday, with a rueful: “This is going to be an absolute s ***show.”
But I don’t agree. I think this series and Field Of Dreams are the first signs, after a few months, that the TV is worth watching again and I’m ready for it. (BBC One, Wednesday, 9 p.m.)
BIG TV lies and misconceptions. Olympic closing ceremony, Hazel Irvine: “We’re going to see something special.
There will also be some time travel.” Great. Fast forward to 11 o’clock, please.
Great Olympic insights
BRADLY SINDEN: “For me it was gold or nothing. But I would fight for bronze.”
Colin Jackson: “The key to hurdling is mastering the hurdle.” Ed Leigh: “You can feel the pain as he puts his hands to his head.”
Compiled by Graham Wray
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Who first published Diary of a Young Girl in 1947?”
Bzzzz. Geri Halliwell?
TV GOLD
5
The second series of Freddie Flintoff’s Field of Dreams was inspirationalCredit: PA
The more than welcome return of BBC One’s Celebrity Race Across The World and the inspiring second series of Freddie Flintoff’s Field Of Dreams.
Second episode of Titanic In Colour, on Channel 4.
And all the spontaneous splendor of the Olympic Games.
But especially the moment when John Lennon’s Imagine settled the argument in the women’s beach volleyball final, and BBC commentator John Cullen showed the presence of mind to add this gloss to the result of a tough taekwondo encounter between Bradley Sinden and Marko Golubić: “It’s nine to five. What a way to make a living.”
TUESDAY, 20.42. It’s a real choice between Katherine Ryan and Abbey Clancy, who cook chocolate fondant on ITV’s Cooking With The Stars or BBC One, where Craig Doyle cooked chocolate fondant on Celebrity MasterChef.
Thank you, then, mainstream television, for the bountiful gifts of diversity and imagination you have bestowed upon viewers.
But if one more TV chef tells me “it has to be gooey in the middle,” I might not be held accountable for my actions.
OLYMPIC Filth Corner. Bronze – Gymnastics, Craig Heap: “If you’re doing a Yurchenko, you’ve got 12 inches for your arms.”
Silver – diving, Leon Taylor: “The judges are looking for a vertical entry with the French women.”
Gold – weightlifting commentator Jono Farr: “Duangaksorn Chaidee made us sweat in the clean jerk, she made us sweat in the clean jerk, it took us a while to get into position but that jerk was very strong.”
And don’t say you weren’t warned.
Lookalike of the week
5
Baroness Hallett and Jimmy Krankie
THIS week’s winner is Baroness Hallett, who is in charge of the devastatingly expensive Covid-19 investigation, and Jimmy Krankie.
Posted by Paul Wing.
Categories: Optical Illusion
Source: HIS Education