It’s been 20 years since Kendra Wilkinson lived in the Playboy Mansion and starred in the reality show E! The girls next door with Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, but it wasn’t until the past few months that she found a new perspective on her relationship with Hugh Hefner.
In a new interview with PEOPLE, Wilkinson says she “respects” former friends — including Madison, Marquardt and Crystal Hefner — who have come forward about their experiences with the late publisher.
“The weather is funny because it really does a lot of weird things,” says Wilkinson, 38. “I respect what Holly, Bridget, Crystal say. I respect what they went through — I respect their stories.”
Kendra Wilkinson in Newport Beach on December 19.
Ari & Louise
Wilkinson, who is mother to Hank IV, 14, and Alijah Mary, 9, admits it’s not easy looking back on her own tough times after moving into the mansion at 18. “I had to face my demons,” she says. “Playboy really messed up my whole life.”
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Hefner’s past sexual encounters with his former gaming buddies — most of whom were women not old enough to legally drink — have been heavily criticized in recent years following his death in September 2017 at the age of 91.
Several women spoke in detail about their experiences at the emergency room Secrets of Playboy, which explored the controversial history Playboy founder over the years. In a statement shared with PEOPLE ahead of the docuseries’ release in 2022, the magazine condemned Hugh’s alleged “heinous actions” and detailed a commitment to “positive change” under new leadership that is “no longer associated” with the Hefner family.
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Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson in 2006.
Jamie McCarthy/WireImage
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“Why did I have love with an old man at that age?” Wilkinson now asks Hefner, who was 60 years her senior. “Why did I do that? Why did I even go to the castle? Why did I get boobs? Why did I bleach my hair blue? why did i?”
Over the past few years, Wilkinson says she’s been on a “crazy path of regret” and has been afraid of being judged by the world, especially after starting a new career as a real estate agent in 2020.
“I was there at a party, okay, let’s be real. I wasn’t there to have Hugh Hefner as my boyfriend,” Wilkinson continues. “I don’t see things the same way other girls do because Hef was never my boyfriend. I was at the Playboy Mansion for fun, that’s what I was there for.”
Madison, who was 21 when she started dating Hefner, then 75, in 2001, went public with the trauma she faced after dating him and detailed it in her book Down the rabbit hole. (Madison previously told PEOPLE that she was in “survival” mode and felt “traumatized” by her experiences as she tried to create a new life for herself away from Hefner. Last year, Madison also publicly shared her autism diagnosis.
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“I have empathy for the diagnosis,” says Wilkinson. “I was just diagnosed with depression, anxiety and I know what it’s like to be diagnosed with something. I look back at the time I spent in the villa and think: ‘Shit, I was depressed at times too.’ I completely sympathize with everything Holly says and her story, and I wouldn’t mind talking to her and Bridget one day.”
Wilkinson says she’s still working on becoming comfortable talking about her own experience. “People keep reaching out saying, ‘Why don’t you go on the Holly and Bridget podcast and talk about the mansion?’ My time is my time. I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to talk about all that yet,” she says.
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As she continues therapy after her mental health crisis last fall, Wilkinson is trying to focus on her future and let go of her regrets.
“I am so grateful for everything, now that I see everything as it is. I was in a deep, dark depression about it, but now I feel like I’ve forgiven myself and I feel like I can have real conversations about it,” she says. “I’ve come out of it and I feel better than ever.”
For more on Kendra Wilkinson’s mental breakdown and her time in the Playboy mansion, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday.
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Source: HIS Education