Skater Gracie Gold opens up about the loss of her best friend and fellow skater John Coughlin.
In his new book, Outofshapeworthlessloser: Memoir of Art Skating, F—— Up, and Figuring It Out (out February 6 from Penguin Random House) the 28-year-old tells the story for the first time. She recalls what it was like to learn that Coughlin, 33, had died by suicide after being restricted from skating due to allegations of sexual misconduct, and how it affected her as a sexual assault victim.
“When you’re a woman who was raped by someone in the skating community two years ago and—other than your sister—your favorite person in the world is accused of sexually abusing women in the skating community. . . it’s a tough place,” Gold tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue.
The Olympic figure skater first struck up a deep friendship with Coughlin in 2017 after she returned home after spending 45 days in the Meadows, Arizona hospital for treatment for a persistent eating disorder, severe depression and anxiety.
Coach Dalilah Sappenfield (left), Caydee Denney and John Coughlin in 2011.
Stephen Dunn/Getty
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After finishing her stay, Gold turned on her phone to find messages of support from many loved ones, including Coughlin, whom she credits in the book with “facilitating her return in ways big and small.” She writes that he quickly became one of the few people who believed in her, “at a time when the distance between me and my biological family was palpable.”
Gold says her mother, Denise, a retired emergency room nurse, was a heavy drinker at the time. Her father, Carl, an anesthesiologist and longtime addict, had just been fired after stealing medication from the hospital where he worked. She and her twin sister Carly were going through a rough patch after Carly encouraged her to seek help for her eating disorder and mental illness.
Healing for Gold meant learning how to move on after being sexually assaulted by a fellow skater – “I survived the assault, but when I think back [photographs] before it happened, I barely recognize a trusted person staring at me,” she writes in her memoir — with the help of friends like Coughlin.
Her recovery took a painful turn on Dec. 17, 2018, when the U.S. Center for SafeSport banned Coughlin — the man who was such a leader when she finished treatment — from professional figure skating competitions after accusing him of sexually assaulting several other members of the world. sliding. Gold says she found the news “painful and confusing” and struggled with multiple truths — that she’s a sexual assault survivor and best friends with someone accused of sexual assault.
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Coughlin died by suicide in 2019 before SafeSport completed its investigation, and Gold had to deal with the uncertainty of the loss.
“When I think about John, I have only fond memories, but in no way would I invalidate the truths of the people who accused him,” she says. “If he is guilty, my favorite person sexually assaulted women. If he is innocent, my favorite person is [still] dead. There will be no answers in this life. I loved him and I have to live with that.”
For more on Gracie Gold’s revealing new memoir, pick up this week’s issue of PEOPLE, out Friday, or subscribe here.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Line by dialing 988, texting “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Line at 741741 or going to 988lifeline.org.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to rainn.org.
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Source: HIS Education