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This article was co-authored by Dr. Allison Broennimann and wikiHow staff writer Dev Murphy, MA. dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychological services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship issues, grief, adjustment issues, traumatic stress, and life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering from traumatic brain injury. dr. Broennimann received his bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and his master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and a member of the American Psychological Association. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of all quoted facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
Have you ever felt like someone isn’t giving you their full attention when you’re talking? Or maybe you struggle to be completely in tune when other people are talking to you. This is known as pseudolistening. Almost everyone pseudo-listens at some point, but if it becomes a habit it can cause damage to your communication and affect your relationships. Read on to learn more about what causes pseudo-listening, how pseudo-listening can affect communication, and how to strengthen your active listening skills.
Pseudo-listening is the act of pretending to listen to someone who is speaking to you, while not actually giving them your full attention or actively listening.
You multitask. Have you ever tried to talk to someone while cleaning, watching TV or scrolling through Instagram? Chances are you didn’t give the other person your full attention.[2]
You’re preoccupied. If something is weighing on you—say, a big essay tomorrow or a sick relative—you may have trouble giving your undivided attention to a conversation.
You are distracted by your surroundings. Even if you want to listen, if you’re talking in a busy coffee shop, or if the speaker has a particularly unusual hairstyle that you just can’t stop staring at, you may find it hard to pay attention, so you’ll pretend to pay attention.[3]
You’re not interested, but you want to be polite. We’ve all been there: you’re stuck in a conversation that isn’t very engaging, but you don’t know how to get out of it.[4]
- Or maybe you don’t want to separate yourself from it because you genuinely care about the speaker—you just don’t care about the topic as much as they do.
You don’t know how to tell someone that you can’t talk right now. Whether you’re distracted, disinterested, or too busy to talk, you may not want to come out and say it, especially if the speaker is sharing something they feel is important.[5]
You are already familiar with the topic of conversation. If the person you’re talking to is sharing old information or covering the same topic they’ve talked about before (or if you think you know what they’re going to say), you might want to walk away or only partially listen.[6]
You wait your turn to talk. If you have something really juicy to say about a topic of conversation, you might only partially listen to what the other person is saying because you’re so eager to share.[7]
- People with narcissistic tendencies, who tend to value their own thoughts and feelings more than those of others, may be more prone to pseudolistening in general.
You only hear what you want to hear. This is sometimes known as selective listening.
You want to look like a considerate person. Active listening is one way to show that you care about someone—but if you’re not really interested in the person you’re talking to or in the conversation, you can hope that appearing interested will make you look good.
This can frustrate the speaker. If you suspect that the person you are talking to is often shutting you out or pretending to pay attention to you, you may feel unnoticed or uncared for, which can lead to feelings of frustration and anger.[8]
This can lead to miscommunication. If you only half listen to what someone is saying, you could miss important things.[9]
- This could be low – for example, saying yes to take out the rubbish but not actually listening could result in your rubbish not being picked up on rubbish day, leaving you with an annoyed partner, parent, or housemate.
- But it can be more serious – for example, if you don’t listen to a friend who tells you when to take them to the airport, you might forget to pick them up or you might be late. They won’t be happy to miss their flight!
The speaker may stop believing the pseudo-listener. If you try to confide in someone only to find that they won’t give you their full attention, you might start to feel like they’re not trustworthy and stop talking to them about important things.[10]
- This can be especially problematic if the pseudo-listener is your romantic partner, your parent, your best friend, or anyone else whose role includes a confidant and source of support. Over time, your relationship may become strained and you may part ways.
The speaker can avoid talking to the pseudo-listener. If you notice that someone is often pseudo-listening to you, you can gradually stop talking to them or keep them at a distance, for a relationship with people who give them undivided attention.
Accept that sometimes it’s hard for you to pay attention. While hearing might be an innate ability, listening is not – it’s a learned skill. And with practice, you will become a better listener over time.
- Statistically, most people consider themselves to be good listeners, but the average person only listens with about 25% efficiency.[11]
Be aware of when you tend to stop paying attention in a conversation. You may be pseudo-listening in most conversations or only at certain times. Observe when this happens and consider the context:
- Is the speaker talking about something you find boring? Do they revive old topics of conversation?
- Are there a lot of environmental distractions? For example, are you in a loud public place where it’s hard to focus? Are you physically uncomfortable – are you cold, sweaty, in pain?
- Is there something on your mind that might prevent you from giving your full attention? Maybe you’re worried about an upcoming surgery or you were about to go to work when your husband started talking to you and you’re worried about being late.
- Are you multitasking? Are you trying to check your email, scroll through social media, or watch TV while listening to someone?
- Are you just pretending to listen and being polite? Is the speaker important or someone whose feelings you don’t want to hurt?
Paraphrase the speaker’s words back to them. This is known as reflection and not only ensures that you are paying attention, but also helps the speaker feel heard.[12]
- For example, if a friend says, “I’ve been feeling really insecure about my relationship with Rocky lately,” you might respond with, “Are you having second thoughts about Rocky?”
- However, don’t spend too much time trying to figure out how to rephrase the speaker’s words. If it distracts you too much from the actual conversation, just repeat their words directly.[13]
Ask additional questions. Asking follow-up questions—also called probing—shows that you’re not only paying attention, but that you’re actively interested in the conversation.[14]
- For example, if someone says, “I’m really nervous about this test tomorrow,” you might ask, “Why is that? Do you feel like you haven’t studied enough?”
Avoid simply waiting for an opportunity to speak. Many people pseudo-listen because they are waiting for their turn to speak. Sometimes this comes from genuine excitement about the topic of conversation, but often it’s because the pseudo-listener is more interested in his own thoughts than the speaker’s.
- When it’s your turn to speak, avoid shifting the focus to you (also known as deflection). Even if you mean well, responding to someone’s admission that they are worried about their sick brother’s health with a story about how you know someone who was sick once can feel like monopolizing the conversation.[15]
- Try not to rehearse what you are going to say while they are talking. If necessary, take a few seconds to gather your thoughts after they stop talking.
Observe the speaker’s body language. Active listening doesn’t just involve listening to the words someone says – it also involves listening to their tone, watching their facial expressions and noting their attitude. All of these can give you a better understanding of what they are actually saying.[16]
- According to mindset coach Kirsten Parker, MFA, “The key to effective listening is presence, . . . [which] it involves making eye contact, watching body language, and listening beyond someone’s words to hear their tone. You’ll start to notice someone’s emotional state and listen to what they’re thinking (not just what they’re saying).”
- For example, are their arms crossed? Are their shoulders hunched? This can mean that they are frustrated or uncomfortable, whereas if their demeanor is more open and relaxed, they are probably more relaxed.
Let the speaker know if it’s not a good time to talk. If someone tries to engage you in a conversation while you’re otherwise busy or distracted, consider letting them know in advance that they may not have your full attention and ask if it can wait.
- If you notice your attention wandering during a conversation, instead of resorting to pretending, acknowledge the fact that you’re having trouble actually listening and see if you can try talking later or change the environment if you’re getting too distracted.
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Source: HIS Education