Rickey Smiley Talks 'Triggering' Year of Grief After Son’s Overdose: 'The Pain Is Unbearable' (Exclusive)

Comedian and radio personality Rickey Smiley has had a very “moving” past year as he continues to come to terms with the loss of his 32-year-old son Brandon to an accidental overdose.

Brandon, an aspiring stand-up comedian, died of fentanyl and ethanol poisoning in January 2023 after a years-long battle with addiction to painkillers.

Smiley, 55, is now opening up to PEOPLE exclusively about her difficult year of grief and why she’s sharing her healing journey in her upcoming book, Sideshow.

“When you come to a year, it’s almost like everything is happening all over again because you’re set in motion,” he tells PEOPLE. “I walked through my home as if something was going to happen to my son again. It was just horrible. My anxiety was completely exaggerated.”

“It was almost like a countdown to the 29th, the day he died,” he said Dish Nation adds the star.

Rickey Smiley and his son Brandon.

Ricky Smiley

Comedian Rickey Smiley on ‘responsibility’ to share grief over son’s accidental opioid overdose (Exclusive)

Smiley, who also lost his father to a drug overdose when he was young, says dealing with the death of his own child is unlike anything he’s ever experienced.

“Your 32-year-old son died, but man, you start thinking about your 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12-year-old son. You think about the birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese, you think about the kid who slept in bed with you, who you helped get dressed and brush his teeth,” he explains. “That’s your child. I felt it from top to bottom, from the inside out.”

“I feel like I died. I literally felt like a part of me had died,” he continues. “It was depressing, anxiety, sadness. Nothing I haven’t felt before, and sometimes you feel like you wish you were dead also because the pain is unbearable.”

To deal with his grief, Smiley says he started seeing a therapist twice a week, which helped. He also realized that his journey simply got easier over time.

“My therapist told me that everything I was dealing with was starting to be resolved. The depth is still there. What happened happened, but there comes a point where it starts to wear off and you get used to that new normal,” he explains.

Rickey Smiley and his late son Brandon. Lynsey Weatherspoon

In addition to therapy, Smiley says he’s also grateful to have several high school friends and three close relatives who have really stepped in as his main support system over the past year.

“Even when the calls stop coming, when the flowers wither, when everything is over and people move on with their lives, some people will still connect with you and just always remember you,” he says.

“People hear you on the radio and see you perform and think you’re fine, but they never see you crying on the side of the stage. Telling jokes, completely opposite to what you feel inside, that’s hard,” he continues. “They were with me when it was most difficult. It was so important.”

While there are certain “moving” moments when a song or place reminds him of Brandon, Smiley says today he remembers his son by watching his old funny videos that lift his spirits.

“I just look at it and laugh and it kind of keeps it alive, but it doesn’t send me to a dark place. I just sort of smile and laugh as if he were still alive – adds the comedian.

Sideshow Cover Art.

THOMAS NELSON

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Smiley says he is writing his upcoming book, Sideshowit was also one of his ways of coping.

“I just remember the days when I would write, and the next day I would just break free and cry. Through therapy, I learned to sit with my feelings and not try to say, ‘Okay, I’m going to work.’ Because I know one thing about grief… grief is like, ‘I’ll wait for you until you come back. When you’re done with work, I’ll be here waiting for you.’ You can’t control it. When it comes, it comes.”

Although he admits he is far from healed, Smiley says this book is about overcoming his loss. As a devout Christian, the actor also shares verses that can help those on similar journeys find peace.

“It will be a great inspiration to those who have also suffered loss.” tells PEOPLE. “I just hope the book gives someone comfort and words of encouragement.”

Rickey Smiley’s new book, Sideshow: Living with Loss and Moving Forward with Faithwill be released on September 17, 2024.

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Source: HIS Education